Scripture for the Hard Hour

What Has Happened

In danger, or thinking of ending your life? Call 911, or call 988 or text 988, now.

• Someone I love has died
• My husband or wife has died
• My child has died, before birth or after
• I fear they did not know Christ
• Someone I love took their own life
• A serious illness, new or long
• My marriage is breaking
• My child has turned from the Lord
• My work or my home is gone
• My own mind has gone dark
• I am not safe

If you came here for someone else, start here. If your parents are splitting up, this part is for you.

The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.

Psalm 34:18 (KJV)

A contrite spirit is a crushed one. You do not have to read this whole page tonight, or pray well. In the synagogue at Nazareth Jesus read that he was sent to heal the brokenhearted, and then he said, This day is this scripture fulfilled in your ears (Luke 4:18, 21). That is still his work.

Some hard hours are fought inside. The apologetics page speaks to the fear that you are not really his, to a darkness that will not lift, to the fear that God is against you, to a sin you think is too great to forgive, and to the dread of your own death.

Grief

When Someone You Love Has Died

The house is quiet, or it is full of people, and either way the one you want is not in it. You do not have to be strong tonight. Christ has stood where you are standing.

When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled, And said, Where have ye laid him? They said unto him, Lord, come and see. Jesus wept.

John 11:33-35 (KJV)

Jesus knew he was about to call Lazarus out of the grave. He wept anyway. He did not hurry Mary past her grief, and he will not hurry you past yours. Your tears are not a failure of faith. They are love, going on after the one you love has gone.

If you fear they did not know Christ, that grief has its own place here. If they took their own life, so does that one.

Paul does not tell Christians not to grieve. He tells them not to grieve as those who have no hope.

But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him.

1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 (KJV)

Scripture calls the death of a believer sleep. That is a picture, and Jesus explained it himself. When the disciples thought Lazarus was only resting, he told them plainly that Lazarus was dead (John 11:11-14). The picture belongs to the body, which lies down for a while and will wake. The soul neither dies nor sleeps (Westminster Confession 32.1).

The souls of believers are at their death made perfect in holiness, and do immediately pass into glory; and their bodies, being still united to Christ, do rest in their graves till the resurrection.

Westminster Shorter Catechism Q&A 37

If the one you love belonged to Christ, they are with him now, and free of every sin they ever fought. Paul calls being with Christ far better (Philippians 1:23). In the next breath he says he must stay, because others still need him (1:24). Others still need you too, and God has not finished with your life. If you find yourself wanting to follow them, call 988 or text 988 tonight, and tell someone near you.

And if they are his, the grave will not keep them. The one who wept at the tomb of Lazarus went into a tomb of his own, and on the third day he left it empty.

But now is Christ risen from the dead, and become the firstfruits of them that slept.

1 Corinthians 15:20 (KJV)

The firstfruits were the first sheaves of the harvest, brought to God as a pledge that the rest of the field was coming in. Christ’s empty tomb is that pledge. On the last day God will wipe away all tears from the eyes of his people, and there will be no more death (Isaiah 25:8, Revelation 21:3-4). That is a picture of a father drying a child’s face, and what it pictures is real.

Before you sleep, do these three things. If your loss was long ago and the grief has not let go, that is not a failure of faith, and these are for you too.

1. Tell the Lord the truth. You do not need fine words. Martha and Mary each told Jesus that if he had been there, their brother would not have died. He did not rebuke either of them (John 11:21, 32).
2. Call your pastor or an elder. Even at night. If you have no church, call a Christian friend, and read Do Not Carry It Alone below. If you are young, tell your mom or dad, or a teacher or counselor at school.
3. Let someone sit with you. Job’s friends did their best work when they sat with him and said nothing (Job 2:13). Eat a little, and lie down even if sleep will not come.

If you do not know Christ, or are not sure you do, his own question is below.

Widowhood

When Your Husband or Wife Has Died

The one who knew you best is gone, and half of every habit in the house went with them. There is no timetable for this. Christ saw to those left behind even while he was dying.

When Jesus therefore saw his mother, and the disciple standing by, whom he loved, he saith unto his mother, Woman, behold thy son! Then saith he to the disciple, Behold thy mother! And from that hour that disciple took her unto his own home.

John 19:26-27 (KJV)

Dying on the cross in agony, he still saw his mother standing there. He gave her a son to look after her, and a home. He has not stopped seeing the one who is left behind.

A father of the fatherless, and a judge of the widows, is God in his holy habitation.

Psalm 68:5 (KJV)

A judge of the widows is a defender who takes up their cause. God cares for children who have lost a parent, so if you have children at home, he has not overlooked them. Let them see you cry, and let them cry too.

The next verse says that God setteth the solitary in families (68:6). He did that for his mother at the cross, and he does it still through his church. That verse is for the widower as much as the widow.

Paul tells a widow’s own family, and then the church, to honor her and care for her (1 Timothy 5:3-5, 16). If the cards and meals have stopped, you may tell your elders so. That is not complaining. It lets the church obey.

Anna lost her husband after seven years of marriage and lived as a widow into great old age. Her years alone were not empty. She served God with prayer night and day, and her long road brought her to the child Jesus (Luke 2:36-38).

For many, the mornings are the hardest. For a moment you forget, and then you remember. God put a whole book of weeping in the Bible, and in the middle of it Jeremiah wrote this, with his city in ruins.

It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23 (KJV)

Jeremiah did not feel better first. Earlier he wrote that God had turned his hand against him all the day (3:3). Then he called God’s mercies to mind, and that gave him hope (3:21). If you are his, no wrath waits for you in the morning, because Christ bore it on the cross. Mercy waits instead, enough for that one day.

The one who saw to his mother from the cross died there. On the third day he rose, and now he dieth no more (Romans 6:9). He lives to see to his own. Paul says marriage pictures Christ and his church (Ephesians 5:31-32). What it pictures is real. Christ’s love for his church has not died, and if you are his, it holds you still.

If you do not know where your husband or wife stood with God, or if they took their own life, that is too heavy to carry alone tonight. You may leave them with the Judge of all the earth, who will do right (Genesis 18:25). Read When You Fear They Did Not Know Christ or When Someone You Love Took Their Own Life, and tell your pastor this week.

Before you sleep, do these three things. If it has been months or years and the grief still has hold of you, you are not failing, and these are for you too.

1. Say his or her name to God. Tell him what you miss, and what you thank him for. If you are angry, tell him that too. Then pray Psalm 68:5 back to him.
2. Let others carry the practical things. Call your pastor or an elder, and tell your deacons what needs doing. Give people real jobs, like the meals, help with the children, the papers, and the phone calls. If you have no church, call a Christian friend, and read Do Not Carry It Alone below.
3. Eat a little, and do not spend the evenings alone. If you cannot cook, say so, and let someone bring food or bring you to their table. Ask someone to come or call at the hour that is hardest for you, often supper or bedtime. If you find yourself wanting to follow the one you lost, call 988 or text 988 tonight, and tell someone who can come.

When you are ready to ask about heaven

If your husband or wife belonged to Christ, their soul is with him now, made perfect in holiness (Shorter Catechism Q&A 37).

At the resurrection, believers being raised up in glory, shall be openly acknowledged and acquitted in the day of judgment, and made perfectly blessed in the full enjoying of God to all eternity.

Westminster Shorter Catechism Q&A 38

Paul says that when the Lord comes, the dead in Christ shall rise first. Then his people who are still alive will be caught up together with them, and so shall we ever be with the Lord (1 Thessalonians 4:16-17).

In the resurrection, Jesus said, they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven (Matthew 22:30). Yet Christ’s people are raised as themselves, with bodies made like his glorious body (Philippians 3:21). Marriage is God’s gift for this life (Romans 7:2).

Scripture says less than we might wish about how his people will know one another there. But the one who gave his mother a home from the cross is there now, and he is their joy. If you are his, you will see him on the day he chooses, not the day you choose. Until then, he has not finished with your life here.

If you do not know Christ, or are not sure you do, his own question is below.

A child

When Your Child Has Died

No parent should outlive a child, and every part of you knows it. Whether you lost a baby you barely held, or never held at all, or a son or daughter you raised, Christ has not looked away.

If you lost a baby, before birth or soon after, or a little child, read the part for a little one. If your son or daughter was older, read the part for an older child.

If you lost a baby or a little child

People brought young children to Jesus, some of them infants (Luke 18:15). When his disciples rebuked those who brought them, Jesus was much displeased, and said, Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not (Mark 10:13-14). Suffer here means allow.

And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them.

Mark 10:16 (KJV)

That is his heart toward little ones. Those hands were later nailed to a cross for sinners, and on the third day he rose (John 20:25). His heart has not changed.

David said to God, Thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13).

Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.

Psalm 139:16 (KJV)

Unperfect is the old word for not yet formed, not a word for flawed. God saw your child before your child was fully made. The book is a picture of God’s knowledge and his plan, and what it pictures is real. He knew your child. However early the loss came, you lost a child.

When King David’s baby son died, David rose from the ground and worshipped (2 Samuel 12:20). Then he told his servants why.

And he said, While the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept: for I said, Who can tell whether God will be gracious to me, that the child may live? But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.

2 Samuel 12:22-23 (KJV)

David stopped fasting because the time for asking was over. The time for grief was not over. He spoke of his son with hope, and then he went on living. He ate that same day, and he comforted his wife (2 Samuel 12:20, 24). You may weep for your little one.

Earlier in that chapter the prophet Nathan told David that this child would die because of David’s sin. In the same breath he told him, The Lord also hath put away thy sin (2 Samuel 12:13-14). No prophet has told you that your child died for your sin, and God has not said it. Without a word from God, no one may trace a sorrow to a particular sin (John 9:3, Deuteronomy 29:29).

Many mothers blame their own bodies. A body that could not carry a child is not a sin. If you are in Christ, there is no condemnation for you (Romans 8:1), and your baby’s death is not a sentence on you. For a believer even a Father’s chastening is never payment for sin, because Christ paid it all.

A little one cannot understand a sermon or put faith into words. That is no barrier to the Spirit of Christ, who works when, and where, and how he pleases (Westminster Confession 10.3). Grace does not wait for anyone to be old enough.

The Canons of Dort, a sister Reformed confession, teach that believing parents need not doubt the salvation of the children God takes in infancy. They rest this on God’s Word, which calls the children of believers holy (1 Corinthians 7:14), not by nature but by his covenant of grace (Canons of Dort 1.17). That hope rests on God’s promise, not on how well you lived. Whatever you do not know tonight, you may leave your child with the Judge of all the earth, who will do right (Genesis 18:25).

If in the past you chose to end a pregnancy, you may grieve that child too. A doctor’s care after your baby had already died is not that choice. For that choice there is full pardon in Christ, for all who come to him. On the apologetics page, read the part called What I did is too great to forgive.

The next part is for parents of an older child. The last part is for you too.

If your son or daughter was older

Jesus once met a funeral at the gate of a town called Nain. The dead man was the only son of his mother, and she was a widow (Luke 7:12).

And when the Lord saw her, he had compassion on her, and said unto her, Weep not. And he came and touched the bier: and they that bare him stood still. And he said, Young man, I say unto thee, Arise. And he that was dead sat up, and began to speak. And he delivered him to his mother.

Luke 7:13-15 (KJV)

A bier was the open frame the dead were carried on. Jesus had compassion on her before she asked him for anything. He could tell her not to weep, because he was about to give her son back. He was not rebuking her tears, or yours.

He did not raise every dead son or daughter in Israel. Nain, and the girl of twelve he took by the hand (Mark 5:41-42), were signs pointing ahead to the last day, when he will call his people out of their graves. They were not promises for today.

When a great wind brought a house down on Job’s children, Job tore his robe, fell down on the ground, and worshipped. In all this Job sinned not (Job 1:18-22). Grief and worship stand on the same ground.

If your son or daughter trusted Christ, no man can pluck them out of his hand (John 10:28). Death could not do it either (Romans 8:38-39).

The souls of believers are at their death made perfect in holiness, and do immediately pass into glory; and their bodies, being still united to Christ, do rest in their graves till the resurrection.

Westminster Shorter Catechism Q&A 37

If they are his, they are with him now, and every sin they ever fought is gone.

If you do not know where your child stood with God, or if your son or daughter took their own life, that is too heavy to carry alone tonight. Bring it to the Judge of all the earth, who will do right (Genesis 18:25). Read When You Fear They Did Not Know Christ or When Someone You Love Took Their Own Life, and tell your pastor this week.

If someone else took your child’s life, by carelessness or by violence, your anger at that wrong is not sin in itself. Scripture says, Be ye angry, and sin not (Ephesians 4:26). God says, Vengeance is mine, and he promises to repay (Romans 12:19). He gave the ruler the sword for this very wrong (Romans 13:4), so pressing for justice in the courts is not revenge.

For every grieving parent

Many parents replay every moment, what they ate or lifted, the last night, the keys they handed over, the sign they missed.

Like as a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them that fear him. For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.

Psalm 103:13-14 (KJV)

You could not see what only God could see.

Moses told God’s people that underneath are the everlasting arms (Deuteronomy 33:27). Those arms are a picture, since God is a Spirit, and the care they picture is real. But the Son of God took a real body, with real arms. He took up little children in those arms and blessed them. Then he died for sinners, and on the third day he rose.

Now he says he was dead and is alive for evermore, and holds the keys of death (Revelation 1:18). Keys picture his authority over death, and that authority is real. He will lose none of those the Father has given him, and he will raise them up at the last day (John 6:39).

Before you sleep, do these three things. If your child died long ago and the grief has not let go, that is not a failure of faith, and these are for you too.

1. Pour out your heart to God. He is a refuge for us (Psalm 62:8). Tell him all of it tonight. You do not need fine words.
2. Call your pastor or an elder. Even at night. Let him help you with a burial or a service if you want one, even for a baby lost early. You may give your baby a name. If you have no church, call a Christian friend, and read Do Not Carry It Alone below.
3. Eat a little, and rest. Lie down even if sleep will not come. If you are married, be patient with each other. Husbands and wives grieve differently, and fathers often grieve later and more quietly. If you have other children, keep them close. They grieve too. If your body is healing from this loss, rest, and call your doctor if the bleeding is heavy or you have a fever.

If you find yourself wanting to follow your child, call 988 or text 988 tonight, and tell someone near you.

If you do not know Christ, or are not sure you do, his own question is below.

The hardest question

When You Fear They Did Not Know Christ

Some of us bury people we love without knowing whether they knew Christ. Some of you are not unsure. You fear you know. This is for you too, and you are not asked to settle anything tonight.

When Jesus came near Jerusalem, he looked at the city that would not receive him, and he wept over it (Luke 19:41). You are not wrong to grieve for someone you fear never came to him.

When Absalom died in rebellion against his father, King David did not hide his grief.

And the king was much moved, and went up to the chamber over the gate, and wept: and as he went, thus he said, O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! would God I had died for thee, O Absalom, my son, my son!

2 Samuel 18:33 (KJV)

Paul had great heaviness and continual sorrow for his own people who did not believe (Romans 9:2-3). That sorrow was not disloyalty to God, and yours is not either.

Abraham once stood before the Lord and asked a hard question about judgment. It came down to this.

Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right?

Genesis 18:25 (KJV)

It does not tell you how it went for them. It tells you who decides, and that he will do right. The Shorter Catechism tells you who he is.

God is a Spirit, infinite, eternal, and unchangeable in his being, wisdom, power, holiness, justice, goodness, and truth.

Westminster Shorter Catechism Q&A 4

You can leave them with a Judge who is all of that at once. The Father has committed all judgment to the Son (John 5:22), and God gave assurance of it by raising him from the dead (Acts 17:31). The one who will judge them is the one who wept over Jerusalem, died for sinners, and rose again. You may trust him with them.

So no one may preach them into heaven, and no one may pronounce them in hell, not even your own fearful heart. That judgment belongs to Christ.

You may be replaying every word you did not say. Paul planted and Apollos watered, but God gave the increase (1 Corinthians 3:6). No one can come to Christ unless the Father draws him (John 6:44). Their salvation was never in your hands. Your love for them was not wasted.

If your conscience still accuses you, bring it to the cross. Christ turns away no sinner who comes to him. For all who trust him, whatever was truly sin he bore there, and his blood cleanseth us from all sin (1 John 1:7).

A thief dying beside Jesus asked to be remembered. Jesus answered, To day shalt thou be with me in paradise (Luke 23:42-43). God’s mercy can reach a sinner in the last hour of life. That is a truth about God. It is not a guess about the one you love, one way or the other. The secret things belong unto the Lord our God, but those things which are revealed belong unto us (Deuteronomy 29:29). What he has kept secret, you may leave with him. What he has revealed is yours to believe and live by.

If you are his, on the last day God will wipe away all tears from your eyes (Revelation 21:3-4). How he will wipe away this tear, he has not told us. He has told us that he will, and that the Judge of all the earth will do right.

If they took their own life, that sorrow has its own place here too.

Before you sleep, do these three things.

1. Give the whole weight to God. Tell him all of it, the grief, the fear, the guilt, and the questions. When your mind goes back over their last days, leave those days with him too.
2. Tell your pastor. This is too heavy to carry alone. If you have no church, call a Christian friend, and read Do Not Carry It Alone below.
3. Eat a little, and lie down. Rest even if sleep will not come. If the weight of this makes you want to die, call 988 or text 988 tonight, and tell someone near you.

If you do not know Christ yourself, do not wait for a last hour of your own. Let this death wake your soul. His own question is below.

Loss by suicide

When Someone You Love Took Their Own Life

If you came to this part because you are thinking of taking your own life, stop and read this first. What this part says about God’s keeping was written to comfort the people left behind. It is not permission for you, and no promise of God ever is. Your life is not yours to end, and God has not finished with it. Call 988 or text 988 now, then read If You Are Not Safe. There is a part written for you, When Your Own Mind Has Gone Dark.

A death like this leaves questions no other death leaves. You may be carrying grief and guilt and fear all at once. God saw what you could not see, and he is near you now.

Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.

Psalm 139:12 (KJV)

You could not see all that was in their heart. He could.

When Lazarus died, his sisters met Jesus one after the other with the same cry, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died (John 11:21, 32). It is the if-only cry, and he answered it with tears, not a rebuke (11:33, 35). You may weep for the one you lost, without shame. Bring him every what if, the sign you think you missed, the message you did not answer, the last words between you. He forgives the sins of all who come to him, and he lifts the guilt that was never yours to carry.

Scripture counts taking one’s own life a grave sin (Larger Catechism Q&A 136). That is true, and so is this. For those who are Christ’s, salvation never rested on their last hour. It rests on what he finished on the cross. Those God has accepted in Christ can neither totally nor finally fall away from the state of grace (Westminster Confession 17.1).

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:38-39 (KJV)

If the one you lost belonged to Christ, even this death could not separate them from his love. Christ died for sinners, and on the third day he rose. He said of his sheep that no man can pluck them out of his hand (John 10:28). That hand pictures his keeping, and the keeping is real. And the one who keeps them has real hands. After he rose, he showed Thomas the print of the nails in them (John 20:25-27). His grip does not fail.

You may have heard that taking one’s own life is the unforgivable sin. It is not. Jesus named one sin that is never forgiven, blasphemy against the Holy Ghost, and he spoke of it because men said he had an unclean spirit (Mark 3:28-30).

This comfort is for those left behind. It never gives anyone leave to take their own life. If the thought comes that God’s keeping would make it safe to end your own life, that thought is a temptation. The devil once quoted God’s promise of protection to urge Jesus into danger, and Jesus answered, It is written again, Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God (Matthew 4:6-7). God has not finished with you. Call 988 or text 988 now, and tell someone near you.

If you fear the one you lost did not know Christ, that fear has its own place here.

Before you sleep, do these three things.

1. Tell the Lord all of it. Bring him the questions and the anger too.
2. Call your pastor or an elder. Even at night. And hear this plainly. You did not cause this. If you have no church, call a Christian friend, and read Do Not Carry It Alone below. If you are young, tell a grown-up you trust, or a counselor at school.
3. Do not be alone tonight. Ask someone to stay with you, and eat a little. If the thought of following them comes, call 988 or text 988. If you were the one who found them, or if a heaviness settles on you in the weeks ahead, see a doctor, and read When Your Own Mind Has Gone Dark.

If you do not know Christ, or are not sure you do, his own question is below.

Sickness

When Serious Illness Comes

One conversation in a small room, and the future looks different than it did this morning, for you or for someone you love. Or it has looked this way for years. You do not have to be brave tonight. Your times are in God’s hand.

Read this first part tonight. Further down is a word for you if it has gone on for years, if you are caring for someone, and if death is near.

But I trusted in thee, O Lord: I said, Thou art my God. My times are in thy hand:

Psalm 31:14-15 (KJV)

The day of the diagnosis is in his hand, and every day after it.

The night before he died, in the garden of Gethsemane, Jesus told his friends, My soul is exceeding sorrowful unto death (Mark 14:34). Then he fell on the ground and prayed.

And he said, Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me: nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt.

Mark 14:36 (KJV)

In Scripture a cup often pictures the portion God hands to someone. Jesus asked for his to pass, and he asked more than once (14:39). So you may ask for healing, and keep asking. And he bowed to his Father’s will. Faith does not pretend the cup is sweet. It asks, and then it trusts the Father who holds it.

He asked to be spared, and he was not spared. The cup he dreaded was God’s fury against sin (Isaiah 51:17). Jesus drank all of it on the cross, and on the third day he rose. If you are his, your cup may be bitter, but it holds no wrath.

Paul was given something that tormented him (2 Corinthians 12:7).

For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.

2 Corinthians 12:8-9 (KJV)

The answer was grace, and it was enough. If anyone tells you that with enough faith you would be healed, remember that Paul left his friend Trophimus sick at Miletum (2 Timothy 4:20). Being sick is not a sign that your faith has failed.

Jesus prayed to his Father, and that Father rules over all of this.

God, the great Creator of all things, doth uphold, direct, dispose, and govern all creatures, actions, and things, from the greatest even to the least, by his most wise and holy providence,

Westminster Confession of Faith 5.1

That includes the doctor and the medicine, since God works through means (WCF 5.3). The Larger Catechism counts a sober use of physic, which is medicine, among the duties of the sixth commandment (Q&A 135). Taking it is obedience, not unbelief.

You may wonder if this is punishment. The punishment for a believer’s sin fell on Christ, and God does not collect the same debt twice. What his child may receive is a Father’s chastening, for his good and never in condemning wrath (Hebrews 12:6-11, WCF 12.1, 20.1). And not every sickness is sent for some sin (John 9:3). So do not hunt for a hidden sin behind yours, and do not let anyone name one for you. If an old sin troubles you, confess it. He is faithful and just to forgive (1 John 1:9).

God may heal now, or he may not. Matthew says his healings fulfilled Isaiah’s word, Himself took our infirmities, and bare our sicknesses (Matthew 8:17). They were previews of what is coming. For those who are his, the cross bought the redemption of the body, and at the resurrection the healing will be whole (Romans 8:23).

Tonight, do these three things.

1. Tell the Lord what you want. Ask him for healing, or for more time, or for peace at the end. If you have asked for years, simply tell him you are tired. That is prayer too.
2. Call for your elders. Scripture tells the sick to call for them and let them pray (James 5:14). If you have no church, call a Christian friend, and read Do Not Carry It Alone below. If you are young and your mom or dad is sick, tell a teacher or a school counselor, so someone at school knows.
3. Care for your body. Eat something, and lie down even if sleep will not come. If you are keeping watch, let someone else sit up a while. Write down your questions for the doctor, and take someone with you. If this news, or long pain, or long nights of watching bring thoughts of ending your life, call 988 or text 988 tonight, and tell someone near you.

When it has gone on for years

You have asked for healing more times than you can count, and fewer people ask how you are. God put this prayer in the Bible for you.

How long wilt thou forget me, O Lord? for ever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?

Psalm 13:1-2 (KJV)

David felt forgotten, and he said so. A hidden face is a picture of a season when God’s favor cannot be felt, and such seasons are real (WCF 18.4). But God had not forgotten David, and by the end of the psalm David trusts his mercy again (13:5). For you it may take longer than six verses. He got there by praying the question, not by hiding it.

If you are his, the grace Paul was given is yours too. It does not always take the weakness away. It holds you up inside it. Your outward man, the body, may be wasting away. Yet the inward man is renewed day by day (2 Corinthians 4:16). Paul also says the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us (Romans 8:18). That does not make your pain small. It makes the glory great.

You may keep asking, and you may rest from asking. Let others pray when you cannot. And tell your elders you are still here, since churches forget the long sick. If the long years bring thoughts of ending your life, tell someone near you, and call 988 or text 988. God has not finished with your life.

If you are caring for someone

Maybe it is a hospital room, or hospice, or the long decline of a parent, a husband or wife, or a child. You are tired in ways few people see. When Lazarus was sick, his sisters sent Jesus this word, Lord, behold, he whom thou lovest is sick (John 11:3). Pray that with their name in it.

God told his people, even to hoar hairs will I carry you (Isaiah 46:4). Hoar hairs are gray hairs. The carrying is a picture of his keeping, and his keeping is real. If they are his, he will carry them all the way, and if you are his, he carries you too.

Caring for them is Christlike work. While he was dying, Jesus saw to his mother’s care (John 19:26-27). Accept help, and give people real jobs, for we are told to bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2). Choosing a care home is not a failure of love. God works through means, and good nurses are among them.

If dementia is taking their memory, they may no longer know your name. That is a real grief, a goodbye that comes a little at a time, and you may mourn it. They may forget the Lord’s name too. If they are his, he will not forget them (Isaiah 49:15). Safe in His Keeping on the apologetics page says more.

If death is near

For those who belong to Christ, death does not take them from him. It brings them to him. Jesus told the dying thief beside him, who had asked only to be remembered, To day shalt thou be with me in paradise (Luke 23:42-43). At death the souls of believers are made perfect in holiness and immediately pass into glory, and their bodies, still united to Christ, rest in their graves till the resurrection (Shorter Catechism Q&A 37). Christ rose, and they will rise.

Paul called being with Christ far better, yet said his staying was more needful for others (Philippians 1:23-24). While God keeps you here, your days are not wasted.

Jesus told his disciples not to let their hearts be troubled. He has gone to prepare a place for his people, and when he comes again he will receive them to himself, that where he is, they may be also (John 14:1-3).

You may face hard choices about treatment, for yourself or for someone who can no longer speak. The Larger Catechism forbids the neglecting or withdrawing the lawful and necessary means of preservation of life (Q&A 136). A treatment that can no longer preserve life, and would only lengthen dying, is not such a means. You may say no to it, or stop it, and that is not giving up on God. But no one may end the life God gave, by a prescription or in any other way. Talk these choices over with your elders and your doctors.

If you fear pain, ask about hospice care, which is there to ease it. If you fear being a burden, let those who love you carry you. If pain or fear is pushing you toward ending your life, tell someone near you, and call 988 or text 988.

Tell your family where your hope is, and call for your elders to pray with you (James 5:14). If you dread dying itself, read When Death Comes Near on the apologetics page.

If you are keeping watch at the bed, you do not need many words. Hold their hand, read Psalm 23 aloud, and pray. If you do not know where they stand with God, it is not too late to pray for them, to speak of Christ simply, or to ask your pastor to come.

If you do not know Christ, or are not sure you do, his own question is below.

A broken marriage

When Your Marriage Is Breaking

If you are afraid of your husband or wife, or of anyone at home, read this first.

You were left, or betrayed, or handed papers you did not want. The one who promised to stay did not. Whether you are the husband or the wife, Christ knows what it is to be betrayed.

If you are the one who broke faith, there is a word for you further down.

David knew this wound.

For it was not an enemy that reproached me; then I could have borne it: neither was it he that hated me that did magnify himself against me; then I would have hid myself from him: But it was thou, a man mine equal, my guide, and mine acquaintance. We took sweet counsel together, and walked unto the house of God in company.

Psalm 55:12-14 (KJV)

Of this friend David says, he hath broken his covenant (55:20).

On the night he was betrayed, Jesus said a psalm of David was being fulfilled in a friend who ate his bread and turned on him (John 13:18, Psalm 41:9). In the garden they all forsook him, and fled (Mark 14:50). You do not have to explain this wound to him. He has felt it.

You may grieve this. It is a real loss, and there is no funeral for it. If the children are gone from the house too, that is a second loss. God himself speaks to this grief.

For thy Maker is thine husband; the Lord of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called. For the Lord hath called thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou wast refused, saith thy God.

Isaiah 54:5-6 (KJV)

God pictures himself as a husband calling home a wife who was refused, which means cast off. It is a figure, and the faithfulness it pictures is real. If you belong to his people, he will not forsake you. He has said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee (Hebrews 13:5).

This is what God promises everyone who is justified by faith in Christ.

All those that are justified God vouchsafeth, in and for his only Son Jesus Christ, to make partakers of the grace of adoption; by which they are taken into the number, and enjoy the liberties and privileges of the children of God; have his name put upon them; receive the Spirit of adoption; have access to the throne of grace with boldness; are enabled to cry, Abba, Father; are pitied, protected, provided for, and chastened by him as by a father; yet never cast off, but sealed to the day of redemption, and inherit the promises, as heirs of everlasting salvation.

Westminster Confession of Faith 12.1

Vouchsafeth means graciously grants. Pitied, protected, provided for, even chastened as by a father, yet never cast off. A husband or wife can cast you off. If you are his, your Father never will.

Scripture calls the church the bride of Christ. That is a picture, and the union it pictures is real and cannot be broken (Larger Catechism Q&A 66). He loved the church, and gave himself for it (Ephesians 5:25). He died in the place of sinners. On the third day he rose, and now he lives to pray for all who come to God by him (Hebrews 7:25). He has never broken faith with his bride, and he never will.

Before you sleep, do these three things.

1. Pour it out to God. You do not need fine words. David told God, I mourn in my complaint, and make a noise (Psalm 55:2). Then he wrote, Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee (55:22).
2. Call your pastor or an elder. Even at night. You do not have to carry this alone. If you have no church, call a Christian friend, and read Do Not Carry It Alone below.
3. Eat something, and do not stay alone if you can help it. Try to sleep. Ask someone to stay with you, or go where someone is. If you find yourself thinking of ending your life, call 988 or text 988 tonight, and tell someone near you.

In the days ahead, leave the wrong with God, as Christ committed himself to him that judgeth righteously (1 Peter 2:23). Scripture forbids revenge (Romans 12:17-19). It does not forbid getting safe, or asking for justice. For your own sake, do not send tonight the message you would regret tomorrow. Keep the children out of the conflict, and never make them carry messages. There is a word for them below.

What God has said about divorce

If you are afraid at home, getting safe comes first, and all of this can wait.

Someone may have told you that God hates divorce, as if it were a word against you. In Malachi God says he hateth putting away, and in the same breath he condemns violence. He was rebuking husbands who dealt treacherously against the wife of their youth (Malachi 2:14-16). It is a word against the one who breaks faith, not the one who was put away or left.

Jesus named one ground for divorce, fornication (Matthew 19:9). Paul speaks of a believer whose unbelieving spouse departs, and says God hath called us to peace (1 Corinthians 7:15). The Confession sums these up. It names only two grounds. One is adultery. The other is willful desertion that neither the church nor the government can remedy (WCF 24.5, 24.6). It protects the innocent party. It calls for a public and orderly course, so no one judges his own case. That is a mercy. You do not have to decide this alone, and this page will not decide it for you. Your elders can guide you.

If a door is still open and it is safe, pray for repentance, and with your elders’ help seek reconciliation, as much as lieth in you (Romans 12:18). If no one is hurting you, but you are worn out and want out, that weariness is real. Tell God all of it. Then go to your elders before you take any step toward divorce (1 Corinthians 7:10-11). The heart is quick to find reasons, without just cause, to put asunder what God has joined (Matthew 19:6, WCF 24.6).

If you are the one who broke faith

After David took another man’s wife and had the man killed, he wrote this.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.

Psalm 51:17 (KJV)

A contrite heart is a crushed one. When Nathan confronted him, David said, I have sinned against the Lord. And Nathan said, The Lord also hath put away thy sin (2 Samuel 12:13). Christ died for sins like yours, and rose again.

Tonight, tell God all of it, as David did. If you turn from your sin to Christ and confess it, God’s pardon is full at once. It rests on Christ’s blood, not on how well you confess (WCF 15.3).

Your wife’s or husband’s trust is another matter. It comes back slowly, if at all, and it is theirs to give. You cannot make them trust you, or make them stay. Never use God’s forgiveness as a lever. Let your pastor or elders help you confess to your spouse without excuse (WCF 15.6). Bear the consequences. If your sin has made them afraid of you, give them the distance they ask for.

If the shame tells you your family would be better off without you, that is a lie. Call 988 or text 988 tonight. And if this sin feels too great to forgive, read What I did is too great to forgive on the apologetics page.

If it is your parents

It is not your fault. Nothing you said or did caused this, and it is not your job to fix it. You may keep loving both of your parents. You never have to carry messages between them, or pick a side.

Tell an adult you trust how you are really doing. That could be a parent, a teacher, a school counselor, or your pastor.

David once wrote, When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up (Psalm 27:10). To take up is to take in, the way a family takes in a child who has nowhere else to go. David meant that even if his own parents failed him, God would not. If your parents’ divorce feels like that, and you trust him, this is God’s word to you. It is not a verdict on your parents.

Jesus was left alone too. The night he was arrested, all his friends ran away. He died for sinners and rose again, and he never leaves anyone who trusts him. You can tell him exactly how you feel tonight, even if you are angry. If anyone at home is hurting you, get safe first. If you ever think of ending your life, call 988 or text 988.

If you do not know Christ, or are not sure you do, his own question is below.

A wandering child

When Your Child Walks Away From the Lord

You taught them to pray, and now they want nothing to do with Christ. You cannot give anyone a new heart. Only God can, and he has done it for sons and daughters as far off as yours.

Your child or grandchild may mock the faith, or deny God under your roof, or be lost to drink or drugs. Jesus told of a son who wasted his substance with riotous living (Luke 15:13).

And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him.

Luke 15:20 (KJV)

The father in this story pictures God, and his welcome to a sinner who comes home is real. Jesus came to seek and to save the lost, and there is joy in heaven over one sinner that repenteth (Luke 19:10, 15:7). He knows what it is to be refused by his own (John 1:11). You may grieve this loss, though no one sends flowers for it.

God promised this to his scattered people.

A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh.

Ezekiel 36:26 (KJV)

This is what God does for his people, and only he can do it. It is not a promise about one person, but it is a reason to pray. The stony heart pictures a will dead toward God, as every heart is by nature, and what it pictures is real.

When God calls those he has chosen, he renews their wills and by his almighty power draws them to Christ. Yet they come most freely, being made willing by his grace (Westminster Confession 10.1). He has not told us who they are, so no one may write your child off. If your child once professed faith, you need not settle tonight whether it was real. The Lord knoweth them that are his (2 Timothy 2:19).

Repentance is God’s gift, and he may yet give it. Ask him. Do not quarrel with your child, but be gentle and patient (2 Timothy 2:24-25). Keep the door open, and love your child without approving their sin. An open door never means letting danger in.

If your child was baptized, the working of baptism is not tied to the moment it was done. The Holy Ghost gives its grace to those it belongs to, as God wills, in his appointed time (Westminster Confession 28.6). Baptism is a sign and seal to pray on, not a guarantee.

Some read Proverbs 22:6, Train up a child in the way he should go, as a promise that your child must come back, or as proof that you failed. It is neither, and God has not broken his word. A proverb tells how things usually go, not what must happen every time. God said of Israel, I have nourished and brought up children, and they have rebelled against me (Isaiah 1:2). Their rebellion was not his failure.

Where you sinned against your child, by harsh words or neglect, confess it to God, and to your child if you can. But do not take their sin on yourself. God says a parent does not bear the iniquity of a child (Ezekiel 18:20).

Christ suffered once for sins, the just for the unjust, to bring us to God. He died, and on the third day he rose again (1 Peter 3:18, 1 Corinthians 15:4). If you are his, your sins were laid on him and are forgiven. He is able to bring your child to God too.

Before you sleep, do these three things.

1. Pray for your child by name. Cry out in the night, and pour out your heart like water before the Lord for them (Lamentations 2:19).
2. Tell your pastor or an elder. Ask them to pray, and to help you see what love requires for a minor at home or a grown child. If you have no church, call a Christian friend, and read Do Not Carry It Alone below.
3. Lie down, and leave the watch to God. Eat something. Your other children still need you at the table. If anyone threatens or hurts you, get safe first. If the grief or the guilt brings thoughts of ending your life, call 988 or text 988 tonight, and tell someone near you.

If you do not know Christ, or are not sure you do, his own question is below.

Want

When the Work or the Home Is Gone

The job or the business is gone, or the savings, or a fire or a flood took the house. It is hard to be the one who is supposed to provide. If you are his, your Father knows what you need.

The Son of God was rich, and for his people’s sake he became poor (2 Corinthians 8:9). He had nowhere to lay his head (Matthew 8:20). He is not ashamed of your need, and you may grieve what is gone. He said this to his disciples.

Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Matthew 6:31-33 (KJV)

Take no thought means do not be anxious. This is a Father’s promise to his children, and he keeps it his own way. The Larger Catechism teaches us to ask for a competent portion, as to his fatherly wisdom shall seem best (Q&A 193). A competent portion means enough. He promises what you truly need. He does not promise that the old life comes back.

Habakkuk wrote this knowing an army was coming to strip the fields and the flocks his people lived on.

Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines; the labour of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls: Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation.

Habakkuk 3:17-18 (KJV)

Habakkuk’s joy was not in the loss but in the God who was not lost. He trembled first (3:16), and you may too. If a fire or a flood took your home, God is still his people’s refuge, a very present help in trouble (Psalm 46:1). If it took someone you love, that grief has its own place here.

If anyone told you that God wants you rich, or that you lost it for lack of faith, Scripture says otherwise. Paul went hungry too, and learned to be content in hunger and in plenty through Christ (Philippians 4:11-13). Losing work is not a sin. If your own sin had a part in it, confess it to God, who is faithful and just to forgive (1 John 1:9).

Christ died on the cross in the place of sinners and rose on the third day. By his resurrection God gives his people new birth into a living hope, and an inheritance that fadeth not away, reserved in heaven for them (1 Peter 1:3-4). If you are his, no fire, flood, or lost job can reach it.

God’s adopted children are pitied, protected, and provided for by their Father (Westminster Confession 12.1), often through his church.

Saints, by profession, are bound to maintain an holy fellowship and communion in the worship of God, and in performing such other spiritual services as tend to their mutual edification; as also in relieving each other in outward things, according to their several abilities and necessities.

Westminster Confession of Faith 26.2

Christians are bound to help one another with food, money, and a roof, and the deacons lead that work. Asking for help is not a failure of faith. It is how the church does what Christ gave it to do.

Before you sleep, do these three things.

1. Ask for today’s bread. Pray as Jesus taught, Give us this day our daily bread (Matthew 6:11). Tell the Lord the fear, and any shame too.
2. Tell the people who can help. If you are married, tell your husband or wife all of it. Tell your deacons what you need, whether rent, food, or a bed tonight. If you have no church, call a Christian friend, and read Do Not Carry It Alone below.
3. Eat something, and lie down. Tomorrow’s bread is tomorrow’s prayer. Your life is worth more than any job, savings, or house. If you think others would be better off without you, that thought is a lie. If you have thoughts of ending your life, call 988 or text 988 tonight, and tell someone near you.

If you do not know Christ, or are not sure you do, his own question is below.

Darkness

When Your Own Mind Has Gone Dark

For weeks or years the heaviness has not lifted, or it keeps coming back. Sleep does not rest you, and the promises you once loved seem to belong to someone else. Christ has been in the dark before you.

In Gethsemane Jesus began to be sorrowful and very heavy, and he said so. My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death (Matthew 26:37-38). He did not hide his sorrow, and you need not hide yours. Matthew also tells how he treats the weak.

A bruised reed shall he not break, and smoking flax shall he not quench,

Matthew 12:20 (KJV)

A bruised reed is a cracked stalk, and smoking flax is a wick burned down to smoke. They picture someone nearly spent, and his gentleness to such a one is real. If you belong to him, he will not snap you or snuff you out.

In Psalm 42 a man with tears for his food day and night speaks to his own soul (42:3).

Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.

Psalm 42:11 (KJV)

Disquieted means troubled, and countenance means face. The question comes three times (42:5, 42:11, 43:5), and each time the answer is hope in God.

The sinless Son of God was very heavy, so depression is not itself a sin, and it is not proof that you lack faith. If the dark came after your baby was born, it is no failure of love. Elijah once lay down under a juniper tree and asked to die. God did not scold him, and he did not grant that prayer. He let him sleep and fed him twice, for the journey was too great for him (1 Kings 19:4-8). Then he gave him work to do (19:15-16). Your life is not yours to end either, and God has not finished with it.

Your mind lives in a body, and bodies get sick. God usually works through means (Westminster Confession 5.3). Sleep and food are means, and so are a doctor and medicine. When God Feels Far on the apologetics page says more.

Your darkness may feel like God’s wrath. The man who wrote Psalm 88 said, Thy wrath lieth hard upon me (88:7), yet he kept crying to God day and night (88:1). On the cross, in the darkness over all the land, Christ bore the weight of God’s wrath for his people (Matthew 27:45, Larger Catechism Q&A 49). If you are his, no condemning wrath is left for you, however heavy this feels (WCF 20.1).

He died there, rose on the third day, and still does not quench smoking flax. God has not told us when this will lift. The man in Psalm 42 did not know either, yet he said, I shall yet praise him. Many of God’s people have walked through this dark and seen it lift, sometimes slowly, and a doctor’s care can help. Whether it lifts soon or late, if you are his, the dark will not have the last word. When Christ comes again, he will make his people’s lowly bodies like his glorious body (Philippians 3:21).

The dark may tell you that you were never his. It is a poor judge of that, for even those who fear God may walk in darkness and have no light (WCF 18.4). If you cannot tell, read Am I Really His. Come to Christ now. You do not have to settle it first.

Before you sleep, do these three things.

1. Tell God how dark it is. If you cannot pray, tell him that. It is a prayer too. Then say Psalm 42:11 to your own soul, even if you feel nothing.
2. Tell someone today. Tell your pastor or an elder how long this has lasted. If you are the pastor, tell an elder or a minister you trust. If you have no church, call a Christian friend. If you are young, tell a parent or a school counselor.
3. Care for your body. Eat something, and keep a set bedtime if you can. With a new baby, let someone else take part of the night. See a doctor this week, or go back to yours and say it has not lifted. Tell the doctor everything, even thoughts of ending your life. If anyone says you only need more faith, go anyway. Do not stop a medicine without asking your doctor. If those thoughts come, day or night, call 988 or text 988, and tell someone near you.

If you do not know Christ, or are not sure you do, his own question is below.

Safety

If You Are Not Safe

Some hard hours are dangerous. If yours is, the first faithful thing to do is to get safe. Read the rest later.

If you are thinking of ending your life

Do not wait for morning, and do not wait until you can explain it well. Call 988 or text 988, and then tell someone near you tonight, a husband or wife, a parent, a friend, or your pastor. If the means to end your life are near you, give them to someone to keep tonight, or put them where you cannot reach them.

Your life is not yours to end. It belongs to the Lord who made you. If you are Christ’s, it is his twice over, for ye are bought with a price (1 Corinthians 6:20). He died and rose for you, and he has not finished with your life. The Larger Catechism counts it a duty of the sixth commandment to preserve our own lives as well as the lives of others (Q&A 135). When Elijah asked God to take his life, God sent him sleep and bread, and then work to do (1 Kings 19). Asking for help is not weakness. It is obedience.

If someone is hurting you

For he shall deliver the needy when he crieth; the poor also, and him that hath no helper. He shall spare the poor and needy, and shall save the souls of the needy. He shall redeem their soul from deceit and violence: and precious shall their blood be in his sight.

Psalm 72:12-14 (KJV)

This is a psalm about the true King, and Christ is that King. He is not neutral about what is being done to you. If a husband or a wife or anyone in your home hits you, threatens you, forces you, or makes you afraid for your life or your children, you may leave to be safe, and you should.

The Larger Catechism names just defense against violence, and protecting and defending the innocent, among the duties God requires (Q&A 135). Scripture says a prudent man foreseeth the evil, and hideth himself (Proverbs 22:3). When Saul threw a javelin at David, David fled, and his wife let him down through a window (1 Samuel 19:10-12). Jesus told his disciples that when they were persecuted in one city, they should flee into another (Matthew 10:23).

Leaving to be safe is not a lack of faith, and it is not a sin. You are not to blame for another person’s violence. Questions about the marriage itself can wait, and your elders can help you with them later.

Calling the police is not revenge, and it is not a betrayal of the church. Scripture calls the ruler the minister of God, who bears the sword against those who do evil (Romans 13:4). Tell your elders too. If anyone tells you to go back into danger, go to the police anyway, and find a pastor who will stand with you.

Christ is the Bridegroom who gave himself for his bride, and who nourishes and cherishes her (Ephesians 5:25, 29). What is being done to you is the opposite of what he does. When a crowd at Nazareth tried to throw him off a cliff, he passed through the midst of them and went his way (Luke 4:29-30). His hour had not yet come. When it came, he gave himself up on the cross, of his own will and in the place of sinners, and on the third day he rose. That work is finished. Your suffering cannot add to it, so you are not called to stay under violence.

If a child is being hurt

If a child is in danger, call 911 now. Otherwise report it to the police or to your county’s child protective services, and Childhelp can tell you how. Do not wait for anyone at church to handle it first. Abuse is a crime, and God gave the civil ruler the sword to punish it. A faithful church will stand with you when you call.

If you are young and someone is hurting you, tell a teacher or a school counselor today. They are trained for this, and the law requires them to act.

For pastors and friends

If You Came Here for Someone Else

You want to help, and you are afraid of saying the wrong thing. Most of the help is simply being there.

So they sat down with him upon the ground seven days and seven nights, and none spake a word unto him: for they saw that his grief was very great.

Job 2:13 (KJV)

Job’s friends did well while they were silent. When they began to explain his suffering, God rebuked them (Job 42:7). Weep with them that weep (Romans 12:15). You do not have to explain anything. Leave out the easy sayings, such as everything happens for a reason, or God needed another angel. Say I am so sorry, and I am here.

The comfort you carry is not your own. It is Christ’s, who died and rose again for his people, and who comforts us so that we can comfort others.

1. Go and sit with them. Bring food if you like, but mostly bring yourself. Pray with them briefly, if they want you to.
2. Say the name. Speak of the one who died by name. Most mourners long to hear it.
3. Keep coming. The meals stop after a few weeks, and the hardest months come after that. Put the birthday and the day they died in your calendar.
4. Send only what fits. Tap their sorrow in the list, then copy the address from the top of your browser and send it. Send the part that fits what they have told you, not what you suspect. Do not send the part about uncertain faith or suicide unless they raised it themselves.

People who lose someone to suicide carry a higher risk themselves, and so do people in long pain. If you fear they are thinking of ending their life, ask them plainly. Asking does not put the thought there. If you fear for anyone’s safety, stay with them and call 988 or text 988 together.

The Savior

He Knows This Sorrow

Whatever brought you here, the Son of God has been near it. He did not save us from a distance.

He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.

Isaiah 53:3-4 (KJV)

He wept at a grave. He was betrayed by a friend who ate his bread. In the garden he asked for the cup to pass. On the cross he cried out that God had forsaken him, so that those who trust him will never be forsaken (Matthew 27:46, Hebrews 13:5). On the third day he rose, and he lives now. The Larger Catechism says the Son became man so that he might have a fellow feeling of our infirmities, and so that we might have comfort and access with boldness unto the throne of grace (Q&A 39).

For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.

Hebrews 4:15-16 (KJV)

This is your time of need. Come.

Prayer

When You Cannot Pray

Grief can take the words out of your mouth. God has made provision for that too.

Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.

Romans 8:26 (KJV)

If you belong to Christ, a groan with no words in it can be a prayer. The Spirit himself carries it. And if you are his, the Son is praying for you at the right hand of God, as he prayed for Peter before Peter ever fell (Romans 8:34, Luke 22:32).

When you have no words, borrow the prayers God gave his people. Read Psalm 13 aloud, or Psalm 42, or Psalm 88. Psalm 88 ends in the dark, yet its first words call God the God of my salvation. David asked God to put his tears into his bottle (Psalm 56:8). God has no bottle and needs none. The picture means that he keeps count of every tear, and not one is lost.

The church

Do Not Carry It Alone

This page can hand you Scripture. It cannot sit with you, pray over you, or bring you a meal. Christ gave those things to his church.

Call your pastor or an elder today. You do not have to explain it well. Say that something has happened and ask him to pray with you. If the need is money or meals or rides, tell your deacons. That is what the office is for.

Go to worship on the Lord’s Day, even if you only sit and weep. Sit under the Word, and pray with God’s people. If you are a communing member, come to the Lord’s Table. It was given for the relief of weak and doubting Christians too (Larger Catechism Q&A 172). The Word, the sacraments, and prayer are how Christ feeds weak faith (Shorter Catechism Q&A 88), and yours may be weak this week. Where you can, put off large decisions for a while, and do not make any of them alone.

If you have no church, find a faithful one near you and go this Sunday. If you do not know where to start, write to me. I keep this site. I am not a pastor, and I cannot always answer quickly. In an emergency, do not wait on me. Call 911, or call 988 or text 988. But I will pray for you, and I will help you look for a church.

Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (KJV)

One day you may sit with someone else in this same dark. The comfort God gives you now is meant to be passed on.

If you do not know him

Believest Thou This

Maybe you came here because of a death, a diagnosis, a broken home, or a lost job, and you are not a Christian. The promises on this page belong to those who belong to Christ. They can be yours.

Jesus spoke these words to a grieving woman on the road outside her village, four days after her brother was buried (John 11:17, 20). Then he asked her a question. He asks you the same one.

Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this?

John 11:25-26 (KJV)

If you came here grieving someone, this is not a word about them. Leave them with God. It is a word about you. Death came into the world through sin, and one day you will stand before God yourself (Romans 5:12, Hebrews 9:27).

But Christ died in the place of sinners and bore the punishment their sins deserved, and on the third day he rose again. Everyone who turns from sin and trusts him alone is forgiven and counted righteous for his sake (Shorter Catechism Q&A 33). He said that whoever comes to him he will in no wise cast out (John 6:37). Call on him tonight, in your own words. Whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved (Romans 10:13). Do not wait until the grief lifts. Come as you are, with the grief.

The gospel page sets it out in full. Read it slowly.