When You Are Alone

Loneliness comes in many shapes. You may be single and wish you were not, or divorced, or the last of your old friends still living. You may have moved where no one knows your name. You may be married and still alone in your own house, or sit in church every Lord’s Day and leave without a word from anyone. If your husband or wife has died, that sorrow has its own page.

David knew this. He wrote it in a cave, hiding from a king who wanted him dead.

I looked on my right hand, and beheld, but there was no man that would know me: refuge failed me; no man cared for my soul.

Psalm 142:4 (KJV)

A refuge is a place to run to. David did not pretend he had friends he did not have. He said it to God, and in the next breath he said, Thou art my refuge and my portion in the land of the living (142:5). You may say it to God the same way, plainly, before you feel anything better.

Turn thee unto me, and have mercy upon me; for I am desolate and afflicted.

Psalm 25:16 (KJV)

The Son of God was left alone too. The night before he died he asked three friends to watch with him, and they slept (Matthew 26:38-40). Within hours all the disciples forsook him, and fled (26:56). He had told them it would come.

Behold, the hour cometh, yea, is now come, that ye shall be scattered, every man to his own, and shall leave me alone: and yet I am not alone, because the Father is with me.

John 16:32 (KJV)

On the cross he cried, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? (Matthew 27:46). He bore that forsaking in the place of sinners, and on the third day he rose. So those who trust him will never be forsaken. He has said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee (Hebrews 13:5). If you are his, the loneliness you feel tonight is real, but it does not tell you the truth about where you stand. He is with you.

Paul was alone at the end of his life too. Most of his friends had gone, and one had left him, having loved this present world (2 Timothy 4:10).

At my first answer no man stood with me, but all men forsook me: I pray God that it may not be laid to their charge. Notwithstanding the Lord stood with me, and strengthened me;

2 Timothy 4:16-17 (KJV)

No man stood with him. The Lord did. Paul did not pretend the first was untrue, and he did not let it make him bitter. He prayed for the ones who left.

Before you sleep, do these three things. If you have been alone for years and this is no new sorrow, these are for you too.

1. Tell the Lord you are lonely. You do not need fine words. Pray Psalm 25:16 back to him, and tell him who you miss, or that there is no one to miss.
2. Reach for one believer this week. Do not wait to be asked. Call a Christian you know, or ask your pastor or an elder to pray with you, and tell him plainly that you are alone. If you have no church, read Do Not Carry It Alone below. If you are young, tell your mom or dad, or a teacher or counselor at school.
3. Do not spend the night in the dark. Eat something, and lie down at a set hour. Put the screens away at bedtime, but keep a phone where you can reach it if you need to call for help. If a heaviness has settled on you and will not lift, read When Your Own Mind Has Gone Dark. If being alone has turned into a wish to die, call 988 or text 988 tonight, and tell someone near you.

God Setteth the Solitary in Families

God does not leave his people to be alone with him and no one else. The same psalm that calls him a father of the fatherless says, God setteth the solitary in families (Psalm 68:5-6). He does it through his church.

Jesus said that whoever does the will of God is his brother, and sister, and mother (Mark 3:35). To those who leave house and family for his sake he promised houses, and brethren, and sisters, and mothers, and children, now in this time, with persecutions (Mark 10:29-30). Those are the people of God, and if you are his, they are given to you.

Saints, by profession, are bound to maintain an holy fellowship and communion in the worship of God, and in performing such other spiritual services as tend to their mutual edification; as also in relieving each other in outward things, according to their several abilities and necessities.

Westminster Confession of Faith 26.2

That bond is real before anyone feels it. A church will not always notice you without being told, and some of that is their sin. But you belong to them, and they to you. You may tell your elders that you are alone. That is not complaining. It lets the church obey.

If You Are Single

If you long to be married, the longing is not sin. God himself said, It is not good that the man should be alone (Genesis 2:18). But marriage is his gift to give, and he does not give it to every one of his people in this life. Paul was unmarried, and he said that every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that (1 Corinthians 7:7). A single believer is not loved less by God than a married one.

If you marry, marry only in the Lord (1 Corinthians 7:39). Loneliness is a poor counselor in that choice. Talk it over with your elders and with believers who know you.

If You Are Married and Alone

You may share a house and a name with someone and still be alone. Your husband or wife may not believe, or may have grown cold, or may simply not speak of the things you most need to say. Peter wrote to wives whose husbands obey not the word (1 Peter 3:1), so God has not overlooked you. Tell your pastor. If you are afraid at home, get safe first. If your marriage is breaking, that has its own page.

When you are ready to search your heart

Not tonight. Loneliness itself is not sin. It is an ache God made you able to feel, and Christ felt it. But a long loneliness opens doors, and it is a mercy to see them. Ask God to search you (Psalm 139:23).

It can send you to a screen at night for company, or to pornography, or to drink. It can rush you toward someone who does not love the Lord. It can harden into self-pity, or into bitterness against a church that did not notice you. And it can keep you home from worship, the very place God gathers his people together.

Elijah once told God, I, even I only, am left (1 Kings 19:10). God answered that he had kept seven thousand in Israel who had not bowed the knee to Baal (19:18). Your loneliness may tell you that no one else is faithful, or that no one cares. It may be wrong.

If you find any of this in you, bring it to Christ, who was forsaken for sinners and rose again. He turns away no one who comes, and he is faithful and just to forgive (1 John 1:9). Then go to his people again this Lord’s Day, and sit near someone.

If you do not know Christ, or are not sure you do, his own question is below.

The church

Do Not Carry It Alone

This page can hand you Scripture. It cannot sit with you, pray over you, or bring you a meal. Christ gave those things to his church.

Call your pastor or an elder today. If one of them is the one hurting you, call another pastor you trust. You do not have to explain it well. Say that something has happened and ask him to pray with you. If the need is money or meals or rides, tell your deacons. That is what the office is for. Peter told the elders, Feed the flock of God which is among you, taking the oversight thereof (1 Peter 5:2). Letting them do it is not a burden you lay on them. It is the work Christ gave them. When an elder comes, ask when he will come again.

Go to worship on the Lord’s Day, even if you only sit and weep. Sit under the Word, and pray with God’s people. If you are a communing member, come to the Lord’s Table. It was given for the relief of weak and doubting Christians too (Larger Catechism Q&A 172). The Word, the sacraments, and prayer are the means by which Christ gives his people the benefits of his redemption (Shorter Catechism Q&A 88), and by them weak faith is strengthened (Westminster Confession 14.1). Yours may be weak this week. Where you can, put off large decisions for a while, and do not make any of them alone. Getting safe is never a decision to put off.

If you have no church, find a faithful one near you and go this Sunday. Look for one where Christ is preached from the whole Bible, where baptism and the Lord’s Supper are given as he commanded, and where elders watch over the flock. Then ask how to join it. Christ never meant for one of his sheep to walk alone. If you do not know where to start, write to me. I keep this site. I am not a pastor, and I cannot always answer quickly. In an emergency, do not wait on me. Call 911, or call 988 or text 988. But I will pray for you, and I will help you look for a church.

Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (KJV)

One day you may sit with someone else in this same dark. The comfort God gives you now is meant to be passed on.

If you do not know him

Believest Thou This

Maybe you came here because of a death, a diagnosis, a broken home, or a lost job, and you are not a Christian. The promises here belong to those who belong to Christ. They can be yours.

Jesus spoke these words to a grieving woman on the road outside her village, four days after her brother was buried (John 11:17, 20). Then he asked her a question. He asks you the same one.

Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this?

John 11:25-26 (KJV)

If you came here grieving someone, this is not a word about them. Leave them with God. It is a word about you. Death came into the world through sin, and one day you will stand before God yourself (Romans 5:12, Hebrews 9:27).

But Christ died in the place of sinners and bore the punishment their sins deserved, and on the third day he rose again. Everyone who turns from sin and trusts him alone is forgiven and counted righteous for his sake (Shorter Catechism Q&A 33, 87). He said that whoever comes to him he will in no wise cast out (John 6:37). Call on him tonight, in your own words. Whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved (Romans 10:13). Do not wait until the grief lifts. Come as you are, with the grief.

The gospel page sets it out in full. Read it slowly.