When Your Marriage Is Breaking

If you are afraid of your husband or wife, or of anyone at home, read this first.

If you are the one who broke faith, there is a word for you further down.

David knew this wound.

For it was not an enemy that reproached me; then I could have borne it: neither was it he that hated me that did magnify himself against me; then I would have hid myself from him: But it was thou, a man mine equal, my guide, and mine acquaintance. We took sweet counsel together, and walked unto the house of God in company.

Psalm 55:12-14 (KJV)

Of this friend David says, he hath broken his covenant (55:20).

On the night he was betrayed, Jesus said a psalm of David was being fulfilled in a friend who ate his bread and turned on him (John 13:18, Psalm 41:9). In the garden they all forsook him, and fled (Mark 14:50). You do not have to explain this wound to him. He has felt it.

You may grieve this. It is a real loss, and there is no funeral for it. If the children are gone from the house too, that is a second loss. God himself speaks to this grief.

For thy Maker is thine husband; the Lord of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called. For the Lord hath called thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou wast refused, saith thy God.

Isaiah 54:5-6 (KJV)

God pictures himself as a husband calling home a wife who was refused, which means cast off. It is a figure, and the faithfulness it pictures is real. If you belong to his people, he will not forsake you. He has said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee (Hebrews 13:5).

This is what God promises everyone who is justified by faith in Christ.

Vouchsafeth means graciously grants. Pitied, protected, provided for, even chastened as by a father, yet never cast off. A husband or wife can cast you off. If you are his, your Father never will.

Scripture calls the church the bride of Christ. That is a picture, and the union it pictures is real and cannot be broken (Larger Catechism Q&A 66). He loved the church, and gave himself for it (Ephesians 5:25). He died in the place of sinners. On the third day he rose, and now he lives to pray for all who come to God by him (Hebrews 7:25). He has never broken faith with his bride, and he never will.

Before you sleep, do these three things.

1. Pour it out to God. You do not need fine words. David told God, I mourn in my complaint, and make a noise (Psalm 55:2). Then he wrote, Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee (55:22).
2. Call your pastor or an elder. Even at night. You do not have to carry this alone. If you have no church, call a Christian friend, and read Do Not Carry It Alone below.
3. Eat something, and do not stay alone if you can help it. Try to sleep. Ask someone to stay with you, or go where someone is. If you find yourself thinking of ending your life, call 988 or text 988 tonight, and tell someone near you.

In the days ahead, leave the wrong with God, as Christ committed himself to him that judgeth righteously (1 Peter 2:23). Scripture forbids revenge (Romans 12:17-19). It does not forbid getting safe, or asking for justice. For your own sake, do not send tonight the message you would regret tomorrow. Keep the children out of the conflict, and never make them carry messages. There is a word for them below.

What God has said about divorce

If you are afraid at home, getting safe comes first, and all of this can wait. Leaving to be safe is not divorce, and it needs none of the grounds below.

Someone may have told you that God hates divorce, as if it were a word against you. In Malachi God says he hateth putting away, and in the same breath he condemns violence. He was rebuking husbands who dealt treacherously against the wife of their youth (Malachi 2:14-16). It is a word against the one who breaks faith, not the one who was put away or left.

Jesus named one ground for divorce, fornication (Matthew 19:9). Paul speaks of a believer whose unbelieving spouse departs, and says God hath called us to peace (1 Corinthians 7:15). The Confession sums these up. It names only two grounds for divorce. One is adultery. The other is willful desertion that neither the church nor the government can remedy (WCF 24.5, 24.6). It protects the innocent party. It calls for a public and orderly course, so no one judges his own case. That is a mercy. You do not have to decide this alone, and this page will not decide it for you. Your elders can guide you.

If a door is still open and it is safe, pray for repentance, and with your elders’ help seek reconciliation, as much as lieth in you (Romans 12:18). If no one is hurting you, but you are worn out and want out, that weariness is real. Tell God all of it. Then go to your elders before you take any step toward divorce (1 Corinthians 7:10-11). The heart is quick to find reasons, without just cause, to put asunder what God has joined (Matthew 19:6, WCF 24.6).

When you are ready to search your heart

Not tonight. This is not a search for your share of the blame. Adultery and desertion are the sin of the one who does them, and violence is never the fault of the one who is hurt. But any heart can sin in how it bears a wrong, and it is a mercy to see it.

Anger at a real wrong is not sin in itself (Ephesians 4:26). But a wound can grow into bitterness, a grudge that keeps growing out of sight. Paul says to put away all bitterness, and to be tenderhearted, forgiving one another (Ephesians 4:31-32). Forgiving does not mean saying it was small, trusting someone who has not proved safe, going back into danger, or giving up on justice. It means giving up revenge and leaving the debt with God. Loneliness can also look for comfort in another person, in pornography, or in drink. Do not take up with anyone new until your elders have helped you see whether you are free to marry (WCF 24.5-6).

If you find any of this in you, bring it to Christ, who died for sins like these and rose again. He turns away no one who comes, and he is faithful and just to forgive (1 John 1:9). If you are his, ask him for grace to forgive as you have been forgiven.

If shame or grief brings thoughts of ending your life, call 988 or text 988, and tell someone near you.

If you are the one who broke faith

After David took another man’s wife and had the man killed, he wrote this.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.

Psalm 51:17 (KJV)

A contrite heart is a crushed one. When Nathan confronted him, David said, I have sinned against the Lord. And Nathan said, The Lord also hath put away thy sin (2 Samuel 12:13). Christ died for sins like yours, and rose again.

Tonight, tell God all of it, as David did. If you turn from your sin to Christ and confess it, God’s pardon is full at once. It rests on Christ’s blood, not on how well you confess (WCF 15.3).

Your wife’s or husband’s trust is another matter. It comes back slowly, if at all, and it is theirs to give. You cannot make them trust you, or make them stay. Never use God’s forgiveness as a lever. Let your pastor or elders help you confess to your spouse without excuse (WCF 15.6). Bear the consequences. If your sin has made them afraid of you, give them the distance they ask for. There is more on forsaking this sin and fighting it under I have been unfaithful.

If the shame tells you your family would be better off without you, that is a lie. Call 988 or text 988 tonight. And if this sin feels too great to forgive, read What I did is too great to forgive.

If it is your parents

It is not your fault. Nothing you said or did caused this, and it is not your job to fix it. You may keep loving both of your parents. You never have to carry messages between them, or pick a side.

Tell an adult you trust how you are really doing. That could be a parent, a teacher, a school counselor, or your pastor.

David once wrote, When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up (Psalm 27:10). To take up is to take in, the way a family takes in a child who has nowhere else to go. David meant that even if his own parents failed him, God would not. If your parents’ divorce feels like that, and you trust him, this is God’s word to you. It is not a verdict on your parents.

Jesus was left alone too. The night he was arrested, all his friends ran away. He died for sinners and rose again, and he never leaves anyone who trusts him. You can tell him exactly how you feel tonight, even if you are angry. If anyone at home is hurting you, get safe first. If you ever think of ending your life, call 988 or text 988.

If you do not know Christ, or are not sure you do, his own question is below.

The church

Do Not Carry It Alone

This page can hand you Scripture. It cannot sit with you, pray over you, or bring you a meal. Christ gave those things to his church.

Call your pastor or an elder today. If one of them is the one hurting you, call another pastor you trust. You do not have to explain it well. Say that something has happened and ask him to pray with you. If the need is money or meals or rides, tell your deacons. That is what the office is for. Peter told the elders, Feed the flock of God which is among you, taking the oversight thereof (1 Peter 5:2). Letting them do it is not a burden you lay on them. It is the work Christ gave them. When an elder comes, ask when he will come again.

Go to worship on the Lord’s Day, even if you only sit and weep. Sit under the Word, and pray with God’s people. If you are a communing member, come to the Lord’s Table. It was given for the relief of weak and doubting Christians too (Larger Catechism Q&A 172). The Word, the sacraments, and prayer are the means by which Christ gives his people the benefits of his redemption (Shorter Catechism Q&A 88), and by them weak faith is strengthened (Westminster Confession 14.1). Yours may be weak this week. Where you can, put off large decisions for a while, and do not make any of them alone. Getting safe is never a decision to put off.

If you have no church, find a faithful one near you and go this Sunday. Look for one where Christ is preached from the whole Bible, where baptism and the Lord’s Supper are given as he commanded, and where elders watch over the flock. Then ask how to join it. Christ never meant for one of his sheep to walk alone. If you do not know where to start, write to me. I keep this site. I am not a pastor, and I cannot always answer quickly. In an emergency, do not wait on me. Call 911, or call 988 or text 988. But I will pray for you, and I will help you look for a church.

Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (KJV)

One day you may sit with someone else in this same dark. The comfort God gives you now is meant to be passed on.

If you do not know him

Believest Thou This

Maybe you came here because of a death, a diagnosis, a broken home, or a lost job, and you are not a Christian. The promises here belong to those who belong to Christ. They can be yours.

Jesus spoke these words to a grieving woman on the road outside her village, four days after her brother was buried (John 11:17, 20). Then he asked her a question. He asks you the same one.

Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this?

John 11:25-26 (KJV)

If you came here grieving someone, this is not a word about them. Leave them with God. It is a word about you. Death came into the world through sin, and one day you will stand before God yourself (Romans 5:12, Hebrews 9:27).

But Christ died in the place of sinners and bore the punishment their sins deserved, and on the third day he rose again. Everyone who turns from sin and trusts him alone is forgiven and counted righteous for his sake (Shorter Catechism Q&A 33, 87). He said that whoever comes to him he will in no wise cast out (John 6:37). Call on him tonight, in your own words. Whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved (Romans 10:13). Do not wait until the grief lifts. Come as you are, with the grief.

The gospel page sets it out in full. Read it slowly.