In danger, or thinking of ending your life? Call 911, or call 988 or text 988, now. If someone at home is hurting you, read If You Are Not Safe. Outside the United States, call your local emergency number.
About 10 minutes to read
When Jesus therefore saw his mother, and the disciple standing by, whom he loved, he saith unto his mother, Woman, behold thy son! Then saith he to the disciple, Behold thy mother! And from that hour that disciple took her unto his own home.
John 19:26-27 (KJV)
Dying on the cross in agony, he still saw his mother standing there. He gave her a son to look after her, and a home. He has not stopped seeing the one who is left behind.
A father of the fatherless, and a judge of the widows, is God in his holy habitation.
Psalm 68:5 (KJV)
A judge of the widows is a defender who takes up their cause. God cares for children who have lost a parent, so if you have children at home, he has not overlooked them. Let them see you cry, and let them cry too.
The next verse says that God setteth the solitary in families (68:6). He did that for his mother at the cross, and he does it still through his church. That verse is for the widower as much as the widow.
Paul tells a widow’s own family, and then the church, to honor her and care for her (1 Timothy 5:3-5, 16). If the cards and meals have stopped, you may tell your elders so. That is not complaining. It lets the church obey.
Anna lost her husband after seven years of marriage and lived as a widow into great old age. Her years alone were not empty. She served God with prayer night and day, and her long road brought her to the child Jesus (Luke 2:36-38).
For many, the mornings are the hardest. For a moment you forget, and then you remember. God put a whole book of weeping in the Bible, and in the middle of it Jeremiah wrote this, with his city in ruins.
It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23 (KJV)
Jeremiah did not feel better first. Earlier he wrote that God had turned his hand against him all the day (3:3). Then he called God’s mercies to mind, and that gave him hope (3:21). If you are his, no wrath waits for you in the morning, because Christ bore it on the cross. Mercy waits instead, enough for that one day.
The one who saw to his mother from the cross died there. On the third day he rose, and now he dieth no more (Romans 6:9). He lives to see to his own. Paul says marriage pictures Christ and his church (Ephesians 5:31-32). What it pictures is real. Christ’s love for his church has not died, and if you are his, it holds you still.
If you do not know where your husband or wife stood with God, that is too heavy to carry alone tonight. You are not asked to settle where they are. You may leave them with the Judge of all the earth, who will do right (Genesis 18:25), and bring your own soul to Christ. Read When You Fear They Did Not Know Christ, and tell your pastor this week. If they took their own life, that sorrow has its own place here.
Before you sleep, do these three things. If it has been months or years and the grief still has hold of you, you are not failing, and these are for you too.
- Say his or her name to God. Tell him what you miss, and what you thank him for. If you are angry, tell him that too. Then pray Psalm 68:5 back to him.
- Let others carry the practical things. Call your pastor or an elder, and tell your deacons what needs doing. Give people real jobs, like the meals, help with the children, the papers, and the phone calls. If you have no church, call a Christian friend, and read Do Not Carry It Alone below.
- Eat a little, and do not spend the evenings alone. If you cannot cook, say so, and let someone bring food or bring you to their table. Ask someone to come or call at the hour that is hardest for you, often supper or bedtime. If you find yourself wanting to follow the one you lost, call 988 or text 988 tonight, and tell someone who can come.
When you are ready to ask about heaven
If your husband or wife belonged to Christ, their soul is with him now, made perfect in holiness (Shorter Catechism Q&A 37).
At the resurrection, believers being raised up in glory, shall be openly acknowledged and acquitted in the day of judgment, and made perfectly blessed in the full enjoying of God to all eternity.
Westminster Shorter Catechism Q&A 38
Paul says that when the Lord comes, the dead in Christ shall rise first. Then his people who are still alive will be caught up together with them, and so shall we ever be with the Lord (1 Thessalonians 4:16-17).
In the resurrection, Jesus said, they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven (Matthew 22:30). Yet Christ’s people are raised as themselves, with bodies made like his glorious body (Philippians 3:21). Marriage is God’s gift for this life (Romans 7:2).
Scripture says less than we might wish about how his people will know one another there. But the one who gave his mother a home from the cross is there now, and he is their joy. If you are his, you will see him on the day he chooses, not the day you choose. Until then, he has not finished with your life here.
When you are ready to search your heart
Your grief is not sin. Missing them is not sin, however long it lasts. This is not a search for some sin behind their death. God has not told you why, and no one may guess (Deuteronomy 29:29). But a long sorrow opens doors. Ask God to search you (Psalm 139:23).
Naomi buried her husband and both her sons. She said, Call me not Naomi, call me Mara (Ruth 1:20). Mara means bitter. You may tell God it is bitter. Do not let it take root against him or his people. Loneliness can keep you home from worship. It can send you to drink to fill the evenings, or rush you toward someone new before you have grieved and sought counsel. And the one you lost can come to fill the place only God should fill.
God did not scold Naomi, and he did not leave her alone. From her house came King David, and at last Christ (Ruth 4:14-17, Matthew 1:5-6). He has not promised you her ending. He offers you her Redeemer. Like Anna, keep close to God’s house and to prayer (Luke 2:37). If you find any of this in you, bring it to Christ. He died for sins like these and rose again, and he turns away no one who comes to him. Confess it, and he is faithful and just to forgive (1 John 1:9).
If you do not know Christ, or are not sure you do, his own question is below.
The church
Do Not Carry It Alone
This page can hand you Scripture. It cannot sit with you, pray over you, or bring you a meal. Christ gave those things to his church.
Call your pastor or an elder today. If one of them is the one hurting you, call another pastor you trust. You do not have to explain it well. Say that something has happened and ask him to pray with you. If the need is money or meals or rides, tell your deacons. That is what the office is for. Peter told the elders, Feed the flock of God which is among you, taking the oversight thereof (1 Peter 5:2). Letting them do it is not a burden you lay on them. It is the work Christ gave them. When an elder comes, ask when he will come again.
Go to worship on the Lord’s Day, even if you only sit and weep. Sit under the Word, and pray with God’s people. If you are a communing member, come to the Lord’s Table. It was given for the relief of weak and doubting Christians too (Larger Catechism Q&A 172). The Word, the sacraments, and prayer are the means by which Christ gives his people the benefits of his redemption (Shorter Catechism Q&A 88), and by them weak faith is strengthened (Westminster Confession 14.1). Yours may be weak this week. Where you can, put off large decisions for a while, and do not make any of them alone. Getting safe is never a decision to put off.
If you have no church, find a faithful one near you and go this Sunday. Look for one where Christ is preached from the whole Bible, where baptism and the Lord’s Supper are given as he commanded, and where elders watch over the flock. Then ask how to join it. Christ never meant for one of his sheep to walk alone. If you do not know where to start, write to me. I keep this site. I am not a pastor, and I cannot always answer quickly. In an emergency, do not wait on me. Call 911, or call 988 or text 988. But I will pray for you, and I will help you look for a church.
Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (KJV)
One day you may sit with someone else in this same dark. The comfort God gives you now is meant to be passed on.
If you do not know him
Believest Thou This
Maybe you came here because of a death, a diagnosis, a broken home, or a lost job, and you are not a Christian. The promises here belong to those who belong to Christ. They can be yours.
Jesus spoke these words to a grieving woman on the road outside her village, four days after her brother was buried (John 11:17, 20). Then he asked her a question. He asks you the same one.
Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this?
John 11:25-26 (KJV)
If you came here grieving someone, this is not a word about them. Leave them with God. It is a word about you. Death came into the world through sin, and one day you will stand before God yourself (Romans 5:12, Hebrews 9:27).
But Christ died in the place of sinners and bore the punishment their sins deserved, and on the third day he rose again. Everyone who turns from sin and trusts him alone is forgiven and counted righteous for his sake (Shorter Catechism Q&A 33, 87). He said that whoever comes to him he will in no wise cast out (John 6:37). Call on him tonight, in your own words. Whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved (Romans 10:13). Do not wait until the grief lifts. Come as you are, with the grief.
The gospel page sets it out in full. Read it slowly.