When Someone You Love Took Their Own Life

If you came to this page because you are thinking of taking your own life, stop and read this first. What this page says about God’s keeping was written to comfort the people left behind. It is not permission for you, and no promise of God ever is. Your life is not yours to end, and God has not finished with it. Call 988 or text 988 now, then read If You Are Not Safe. There is a page written for you, When Your Own Mind Has Gone Dark.

Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.

Psalm 139:12 (KJV)

You could not see all that was in their heart. He could.

When Lazarus died, his sisters met Jesus one after the other with the same cry, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died (John 11:21, 32). It is the if-only cry, and he answered it with tears, not a rebuke (11:33, 35). You may weep for the one you lost, without shame. Bring him every what if, the sign you think you missed, the message you did not answer, the last words between you. He forgives the sins of all who come to him, and he lifts the guilt that was never yours to carry.

Taking one’s own life is a grave sin against the sixth commandment (Exodus 20:13, Larger Catechism Q&A 136). That is true, and so is this. For those who are Christ’s, salvation never rested on their last hour. It rests on what he finished on the cross. Those God has accepted in Christ can neither totally nor finally fall away from the state of grace (Westminster Confession 17.1).

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:38-39 (KJV)

If the one you lost belonged to Christ, even this death could not separate them from his love. Christ died for sinners, and on the third day he rose. He said of his sheep that no man can pluck them out of his hand (John 10:28-29). That hand pictures his keeping, and the keeping is real. And the one who keeps them has real hands. After he rose, he showed Thomas the print of the nails in them (John 20:25-27). His grip does not fail.

You may have heard that taking one’s own life is the unforgivable sin. It is not. Jesus named one sin that is never forgiven, blasphemy against the Holy Ghost, and he spoke of it because men said he had an unclean spirit (Mark 3:28-30).

This comfort is for those left behind. It never gives anyone leave to take their own life. If the thought comes that God’s keeping would make it safe to end your own life, that thought is a temptation. The devil once quoted God’s promise of protection to urge Jesus into danger, and Jesus answered, It is written again, Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God (Matthew 4:6-7). God has not finished with you. Call 988 or text 988 now, and tell someone near you.

If you fear the one you lost did not know Christ, that grief is real. You are not asked to settle where they are, and your fear does not get the last word. Leave them with the Judge of all the earth, who will do right (Genesis 18:25), and bring your own soul to Christ, who turns away no one who comes. When You Fear They Did Not Know Christ says more.

Before you sleep, do these three things.

1. Tell the Lord all of it. Bring him the questions and the anger too.
2. Call your pastor or an elder. Even at night. And hear this plainly. You did not make this choice for them. If you have no church, call a Christian friend, and read Do Not Carry It Alone below. If you are young, tell a grown-up you trust, or a counselor at school.
3. Do not be alone tonight. Ask someone to stay with you, and eat a little. If the thought of following them comes, call 988 or text 988. If you were the one who found them, or if a heaviness settles on you in the weeks ahead, see a doctor, and read When Your Own Mind Has Gone Dark.

When you are ready to search your heart

Not tonight. In the weeks ahead, ask God to search you (Psalm 139:23), and to sort what is truly yours from what is not.

Much of what you carry may be false guilt. You did not choose this for them. If you truly sinned against them, confess it plainly, and in Christ it is forgiven (1 John 1:9). Even then, the choice was not yours. What was never yours, you may lay down.

Anger may come too, at the one who died, or at people you think should have seen it. Be ye angry, and sin not (Ephesians 4:26). Do not let it settle into bitterness. If it rises against God, tell him so, but do not let it harden into a charge that he has done wrong. Shame may tell you to stay away from church. Go anyway. This death is not your disgrace.

If the thought of following them comes, stop the searching and get help tonight. You are not strange, and you must not carry it alone. Call 988 or text 988, and tell someone near you.

Christ died on the cross for sinners and rose again. Whoever you are, come to him with what is truly yours, and leave the rest with him.

If you do not know Christ, or are not sure you do, his own question is below.

The church

Do Not Carry It Alone

This page can hand you Scripture. It cannot sit with you, pray over you, or bring you a meal. Christ gave those things to his church.

Call your pastor or an elder today. If one of them is the one hurting you, call another pastor you trust. You do not have to explain it well. Say that something has happened and ask him to pray with you. If the need is money or meals or rides, tell your deacons. That is what the office is for. Peter told the elders, Feed the flock of God which is among you, taking the oversight thereof (1 Peter 5:2). Letting them do it is not a burden you lay on them. It is the work Christ gave them. When an elder comes, ask when he will come again.

Go to worship on the Lord’s Day, even if you only sit and weep. Sit under the Word, and pray with God’s people. If you are a communing member, come to the Lord’s Table. It was given for the relief of weak and doubting Christians too (Larger Catechism Q&A 172). The Word, the sacraments, and prayer are the means by which Christ gives his people the benefits of his redemption (Shorter Catechism Q&A 88), and by them weak faith is strengthened (Westminster Confession 14.1). Yours may be weak this week. Where you can, put off large decisions for a while, and do not make any of them alone. Getting safe is never a decision to put off.

If you have no church, find a faithful one near you and go this Sunday. Look for one where Christ is preached from the whole Bible, where baptism and the Lord’s Supper are given as he commanded, and where elders watch over the flock. Then ask how to join it. Christ never meant for one of his sheep to walk alone. If you do not know where to start, write to me. I keep this site. I am not a pastor, and I cannot always answer quickly. In an emergency, do not wait on me. Call 911, or call 988 or text 988. But I will pray for you, and I will help you look for a church.

Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (KJV)

One day you may sit with someone else in this same dark. The comfort God gives you now is meant to be passed on.

If you do not know him

Believest Thou This

Maybe you came here because of a death, a diagnosis, a broken home, or a lost job, and you are not a Christian. The promises here belong to those who belong to Christ. They can be yours.

Jesus spoke these words to a grieving woman on the road outside her village, four days after her brother was buried (John 11:17, 20). Then he asked her a question. He asks you the same one.

Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this?

John 11:25-26 (KJV)

If you came here grieving someone, this is not a word about them. Leave them with God. It is a word about you. Death came into the world through sin, and one day you will stand before God yourself (Romans 5:12, Hebrews 9:27).

But Christ died in the place of sinners and bore the punishment their sins deserved, and on the third day he rose again. Everyone who turns from sin and trusts him alone is forgiven and counted righteous for his sake (Shorter Catechism Q&A 33, 87). He said that whoever comes to him he will in no wise cast out (John 6:37). Call on him tonight, in your own words. Whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved (Romans 10:13). Do not wait until the grief lifts. Come as you are, with the grief.

The gospel page sets it out in full. Read it slowly.