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About 9 minutes to read
When Jesus came near Jerusalem, he looked at the city that would not receive him, and he wept over it (Luke 19:41). You are not wrong to grieve for someone you fear never came to him.
When Absalom died in rebellion against his father, King David did not hide his grief.
And the king was much moved, and went up to the chamber over the gate, and wept: and as he went, thus he said, O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! would God I had died for thee, O Absalom, my son, my son!
2 Samuel 18:33 (KJV)
Paul had great heaviness and continual sorrow for his own people who did not believe (Romans 9:2-3). That sorrow was not disloyalty to God, and yours is not either.
Abraham once stood before the Lord and asked a hard question about judgment. It came down to this.
Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right?
Genesis 18:25 (KJV)
It does not tell you how it went for them. It tells you who decides, and that he will do right. The Shorter Catechism tells you who he is.
God is a Spirit, infinite, eternal, and unchangeable in his being, wisdom, power, holiness, justice, goodness, and truth.
Westminster Shorter Catechism Q&A 4
You can leave them with a Judge who is all of that at once. The Father has committed all judgment to the Son (John 5:22), and God gave assurance of it by raising him from the dead (Acts 17:31). The one who will judge them is the one who wept over Jerusalem, died for sinners, and rose again. You may trust him with them.
So no one may preach them into heaven, and no one may pronounce them in hell, not even your own fearful heart. That judgment belongs to Christ.
You may be replaying every word you did not say. Paul planted and Apollos watered, but God gave the increase (1 Corinthians 3:6). No one can come to Christ unless the Father draws him (John 6:44). Their salvation was never in your hands. Your love for them was not wasted.
If your conscience still accuses you, bring it to the cross. Christ turns away no sinner who comes to him. For all who trust him, whatever was truly sin he bore there, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin (1 John 1:7).
A thief dying beside Jesus asked to be remembered. Jesus answered, To day shalt thou be with me in paradise (Luke 23:42-43). God’s mercy can reach a sinner in the last hour of life. That is a truth about God. It is not a guess about the one you love, one way or the other. The secret things belong unto the Lord our God, but those things which are revealed belong unto us (Deuteronomy 29:29). What he has kept secret, you may leave with him. What he has revealed is yours to believe and live by.
If you are his, on the last day God will wipe away all tears from your eyes (Revelation 21:3-4). How he will wipe away this tear, he has not told us. He has told us that he will, and that the Judge of all the earth will do right.
If they took their own life, that sorrow has its own place here too.
Before you sleep, do these three things.
- Give the whole weight to God. Tell him all of it, the grief, the fear, the guilt, and the questions. When your mind goes back over their last days, leave those days with him too.
- Tell your pastor. This is too heavy to carry alone. If you have no church, call a Christian friend, and read Do Not Carry It Alone below.
- Eat a little, and lie down. Rest even if sleep will not come. If the weight of this makes you want to die, call 988 or text 988 tonight, and tell someone near you.
Now the question turns to you. Have you come to Christ yourself? If you are not sure, do not wait. Let this death wake your soul. His own question is below.
When you are ready to search your heart
Paul says, Examine yourselves, whether ye be in the faith (2 Corinthians 13:5). Do not look for the answer in how strong your faith feels. Look to Christ. If you are his and this fear has shaken you, read Am I Really His.
This fear brings temptations of its own. One is to turn from God for their sake, as if staying away from Christ could help the one you lost. It cannot, and coming to him does not betray them. Another is to think the Judge is hard. He is the one who wept over Jerusalem. Another is to keep accusing yourself for what you did not say. Bring that to Christ too. In him, whatever was truly sin is forgiven, and whatever was never in your hands you may lay down.
Christ died on the cross for sinners and rose again, and he turns away no one who comes. Scripture still says, whosoever will, let him take the water of life freely (Revelation 22:17). Come, and keep to the means he gave, his Word, prayer, and the Lord’s Day with his people.
The church
Do Not Carry It Alone
This page can hand you Scripture. It cannot sit with you, pray over you, or bring you a meal. Christ gave those things to his church.
Call your pastor or an elder today. If one of them is the one hurting you, call another pastor you trust. You do not have to explain it well. Say that something has happened and ask him to pray with you. If the need is money or meals or rides, tell your deacons. That is what the office is for. Peter told the elders, Feed the flock of God which is among you, taking the oversight thereof (1 Peter 5:2). Letting them do it is not a burden you lay on them. It is the work Christ gave them. When an elder comes, ask when he will come again.
Go to worship on the Lord’s Day, even if you only sit and weep. Sit under the Word, and pray with God’s people. If you are a communing member, come to the Lord’s Table. It was given for the relief of weak and doubting Christians too (Larger Catechism Q&A 172). The Word, the sacraments, and prayer are the means by which Christ gives his people the benefits of his redemption (Shorter Catechism Q&A 88), and by them weak faith is strengthened (Westminster Confession 14.1). Yours may be weak this week. Where you can, put off large decisions for a while, and do not make any of them alone. Getting safe is never a decision to put off.
If you have no church, find a faithful one near you and go this Sunday. Look for one where Christ is preached from the whole Bible, where baptism and the Lord’s Supper are given as he commanded, and where elders watch over the flock. Then ask how to join it. Christ never meant for one of his sheep to walk alone. If you do not know where to start, write to me. I keep this site. I am not a pastor, and I cannot always answer quickly. In an emergency, do not wait on me. Call 911, or call 988 or text 988. But I will pray for you, and I will help you look for a church.
Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (KJV)
One day you may sit with someone else in this same dark. The comfort God gives you now is meant to be passed on.
If you do not know him
Believest Thou This
Maybe you came here because of a death, a diagnosis, a broken home, or a lost job, and you are not a Christian. The promises here belong to those who belong to Christ. They can be yours.
Jesus spoke these words to a grieving woman on the road outside her village, four days after her brother was buried (John 11:17, 20). Then he asked her a question. He asks you the same one.
Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this?
John 11:25-26 (KJV)
If you came here grieving someone, this is not a word about them. Leave them with God. It is a word about you. Death came into the world through sin, and one day you will stand before God yourself (Romans 5:12, Hebrews 9:27).
But Christ died in the place of sinners and bore the punishment their sins deserved, and on the third day he rose again. Everyone who turns from sin and trusts him alone is forgiven and counted righteous for his sake (Shorter Catechism Q&A 33, 87). He said that whoever comes to him he will in no wise cast out (John 6:37). Call on him tonight, in your own words. Whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved (Romans 10:13). Do not wait until the grief lifts. Come as you are, with the grief.
The gospel page sets it out in full. Read it slowly.