Gentle King
The Gospel

Darkness

When Your Own Mind Has Gone Dark

For weeks or years the heaviness has not lifted, or it keeps coming back. Sleep does not rest you, and the promises you once loved seem to belong to someone else. Christ has been in the dark before you.

About 9 minutes to read

If thoughts of ending your life come, call 988 or text 988 at any hour, tell someone near you, and read If You Are Not Safe.

In Gethsemane Jesus began to be sorrowful and very heavy, and he said so. My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death (Matthew 26:37-38). He did not hide his sorrow, and you need not hide yours. Matthew also tells how he treats the weak.

A bruised reed shall he not break, and smoking flax shall he not quench,

Matthew 12:20 (KJV)

A bruised reed is a cracked stalk, and smoking flax is a wick burned down to smoke. They picture someone nearly spent, and his gentleness to such a one is real. If you belong to him, he will not snap you or snuff you out.

In Psalm 42 a man with tears for his food day and night speaks to his own soul (42:3).

Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.

Psalm 42:11 (KJV)

Disquieted means troubled, and countenance means face. The question comes three times (42:5, 42:11, 43:5), and each time the answer is hope in God.

The sinless Son of God was very heavy, so heaviness of soul is not itself a sin. Neither is depression, and it is not proof that you lack faith. If the dark came after your baby was born, it is no failure of love. Elijah once lay down under a juniper tree and asked to die. God did not scold him, and he did not grant that prayer. He let him sleep and fed him twice, for the journey was too great for him (1 Kings 19:4-8). Then he gave him work to do (19:15-16). Your life is not yours to end either, and God has not finished with it.

Your mind lives in a body, and bodies get sick. God usually works through means (Westminster Confession 5.3). Sleep and food are means, and so are a doctor and medicine. When God Feels Far says more.

Your darkness may feel like God’s wrath. The man who wrote Psalm 88 said, Thy wrath lieth hard upon me (88:7), yet he kept crying to God day and night (88:1). On the cross, in the darkness over all the land, Christ bore the weight of God’s wrath for his people (Matthew 27:45, Larger Catechism Q&A 49). If you are his, no condemning wrath is left for you, however heavy this feels (WCF 20.1).

He died there, rose on the third day, and still does not quench smoking flax. God has not told us whether this will lift in this life, or when. The man in Psalm 42 did not know either, yet he said, I shall yet praise him. Many of God’s people have walked through this dark and seen it lift, sometimes slowly, and a doctor’s care can help. Whether it lifts soon, or late, or only when he comes, if you are his, the dark will not have the last word. When Christ comes again, he will make his people’s lowly bodies like his glorious body (Philippians 3:21).

The dark may tell you that you were never his. It is a poor judge of that, for even those who fear God may walk in darkness and have no light (WCF 18.4). If you cannot tell, read Am I Really His. Come to Christ now. You do not have to settle it first.

Before you sleep, do these three things.

  1. Tell God how dark it is. If you cannot pray, tell him that. It is a prayer too. Then say Psalm 42:11 to your own soul, even if you feel nothing.
  2. Tell someone today. Tell your pastor or an elder how long this has lasted. If you are the pastor, tell an elder or a minister you trust. If you have no church, call a Christian friend. If you are young, tell a parent or a school counselor.
  3. Care for your body. Eat something, and keep a set bedtime if you can. With a new baby, let someone else take part of the night. See a doctor this week, or go back to yours and say it has not lifted. Tell the doctor everything, even thoughts of ending your life. If anyone says you only need more faith, go anyway. Do not stop a medicine without asking your doctor. If those thoughts come, day or night, call 988 or text 988, and tell someone near you.

The church

Do Not Carry It Alone

This page can hand you Scripture. It cannot sit with you, pray over you, or bring you a meal. Christ gave those things to his church.

Call your pastor or an elder today. If one of them is the one hurting you, call another pastor you trust. You do not have to explain it well. Say that something has happened and ask him to pray with you. If the need is money or meals or rides, tell your deacons. That is what the office is for. Peter told the elders, Feed the flock of God which is among you, taking the oversight thereof (1 Peter 5:2). Letting them do it is not a burden you lay on them. It is the work Christ gave them. When an elder comes, ask when he will come again.

Go to worship on the Lord’s Day, even if you only sit and weep. Sit under the Word, and pray with God’s people. If you are a communing member, come to the Lord’s Table. It was given for the relief of weak and doubting Christians too (Larger Catechism Q&A 172). The Word, the sacraments, and prayer are the means by which Christ gives his people the benefits of his redemption (Shorter Catechism Q&A 88), and by them weak faith is strengthened (Westminster Confession 14.1). Yours may be weak this week. Where you can, put off large decisions for a while, and do not make any of them alone. Getting safe is never a decision to put off.

If you have no church, find a faithful one near you and go this Sunday. Look for one where Christ is preached from the whole Bible, where baptism and the Lord’s Supper are given as he commanded, and where elders watch over the flock. Then ask how to join it. Christ never meant for one of his sheep to walk alone. If you do not know where to start, write to me. I keep this site. I am not a pastor, and I cannot always answer quickly. In an emergency, do not wait on me. Call 911, or call 988 or text 988. But I will pray for you, and I will help you look for a church.

Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (KJV)

One day you may sit with someone else in this same dark. The comfort God gives you now is meant to be passed on.

If you do not know him

Believest Thou This

Maybe you came here because of a death, a diagnosis, a broken home, or a lost job, and you are not a Christian. The promises here belong to those who belong to Christ. They can be yours.

Jesus spoke these words to a grieving woman on the road outside her village, four days after her brother was buried (John 11:17, 20). Then he asked her a question. He asks you the same one.

Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this?

John 11:25-26 (KJV)

If you came here grieving someone, this is not a word about them. Leave them with God. It is a word about you. Death came into the world through sin, and one day you will stand before God yourself (Romans 5:12, Hebrews 9:27).

But Christ died in the place of sinners and bore the punishment their sins deserved, and on the third day he rose again. Everyone who turns from sin and trusts him alone is forgiven and counted righteous for his sake (Shorter Catechism Q&A 33, 87). He said that whoever comes to him he will in no wise cast out (John 6:37). Call on him tonight, in your own words. Whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved (Romans 10:13). Do not wait until the grief lifts. Come as you are, with the grief.

The gospel page sets it out in full. Read it slowly.