When Your Child Has Died

If you lost a baby, before birth or soon after, or a little child, read the part for a little one. If your baby died before birth, in a miscarriage or a stillbirth, the part after it is yours too. If your son or daughter was older, read the part for an older child.

If you lost a baby or a little child

People brought young children to Jesus, some of them infants (Luke 18:15). When his disciples rebuked those who brought them, Jesus was much displeased, and said, Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not (Mark 10:13-14). Suffer here means allow.

And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them.

Mark 10:16 (KJV)

That is his heart toward little ones. Those hands were later nailed to a cross for sinners, and on the third day he rose (John 20:25). His heart has not changed.

David said to God, Thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13).

Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.

Psalm 139:16 (KJV)

Unperfect is the old word for not yet formed, not a word for flawed. God saw your child before your child was fully made. The book is a picture of God’s knowledge and his plan, and what it pictures is real. He knew your child. However early the loss came, you lost a child.

When King David’s baby son died, David rose from the ground and worshipped (2 Samuel 12:20). Then he told his servants why.

And he said, While the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept: for I said, Who can tell whether God will be gracious to me, that the child may live? But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.

2 Samuel 12:22-23 (KJV)

David stopped fasting because the time for asking was over. The time for grief was not over. He spoke of his son with hope, and then he went on living. He ate that same day, and he comforted his wife (2 Samuel 12:20, 24). You may weep for your little one.

Earlier in that chapter the prophet Nathan told David that this child would die because of David’s sin. In the same breath he told him, The Lord also hath put away thy sin (2 Samuel 12:13-14). No prophet has told you that your child died for your sin, and God has not said it. Without a word from God, no one may trace a sorrow to a particular sin (John 9:3, Deuteronomy 29:29).

Many mothers blame their own bodies. A body that could not carry a child is not a sin. If you are in Christ, there is no condemnation for you (Romans 8:1), and your baby’s death is not a sentence on you. For a believer even a Father’s chastening is never payment for sin, because Christ paid it all.

A little one cannot understand a sermon or put faith into words. That is no barrier to the Spirit of Christ, who works when, and where, and how he pleases (Westminster Confession 10.3). Grace does not wait for anyone to be old enough.

The Canons of Dort, a sister Reformed confession, teach that believing parents need not doubt the salvation of the children God takes in infancy. They rest this on God’s Word, which calls the children of believers holy (1 Corinthians 7:14), not by nature but by his covenant of grace (Canons of Dort 1.17). That hope rests on God’s promise, not on how well you lived. Whatever you do not know tonight, you may leave your child with the Judge of all the earth, who will do right (Genesis 18:25).

If your baby died before birth, the next part is for you. If not, go on to the part for every grieving parent.

If your baby died before birth

A miscarriage or a stillbirth is the death of a child. Some people around you may not see it that way. They may say nothing at all, or say it was for the best, or that you can try again. They usually mean well, but a child is not replaced by another child. Scripture counts the little one you carried as a person, known by God and made in his image (Jeremiah 1:5, Luke 1:41). You are not making too much of this. You lost a son or a daughter.

Many mothers search their memories for what they did wrong. Doctors find that most early losses come from causes no mother could have caused or stopped. And even where you wonder, God has not laid this at your feet. He knoweth our frame (Psalm 103:14).

Fathers grieve this too, though often more quietly and later. A father may feel he has to be strong for his wife and so never mourn at all. Husbands, weep with your wives, and let your church care for you both.

If the loss came early, there may be nothing to bury, and no one outside your home may have known. That can make the grief lonelier. You may still mark it. Give your baby a name, tell your pastor, and pray together as a family. Due dates and the day of the loss may be hard for years, and that is not a weakness of faith.

If you are afraid to hope for another child, or if another child never comes, bring that fear to the God who gives and takes away (Job 1:21). He is not cruel, and he is not careless with you.

If in the past you chose to end a pregnancy, you may grieve that child too. A doctor’s care after your baby had already died is not that choice. For that choice there is full pardon in Christ, for all who come to him. Read If You Have Had an Abortion and What I did is too great to forgive.

The next part is for parents of an older child. The part for every grieving parent is for you too.

If your son or daughter was older

Jesus once met a funeral at the gate of a town called Nain. The dead man was the only son of his mother, and she was a widow (Luke 7:12).

And when the Lord saw her, he had compassion on her, and said unto her, Weep not. And he came and touched the bier: and they that bare him stood still. And he said, Young man, I say unto thee, Arise. And he that was dead sat up, and began to speak. And he delivered him to his mother.

Luke 7:13-15 (KJV)

A bier was the open frame the dead were carried on. Jesus had compassion on her before she asked him for anything. He could tell her not to weep, because he was about to give her son back. He was not rebuking her tears, or yours.

He did not raise every dead son or daughter in Israel. The widow’s son at Nain, and the girl of twelve he took by the hand (Mark 5:41-42), were signs pointing ahead to the last day, when he will call his people out of their graves. They were not promises for today.

When a great wind brought a house down on Job’s children, Job tore his robe, fell down on the ground, and worshipped. In all this Job sinned not (Job 1:18-22). Grief and worship stand on the same ground.

If your son or daughter trusted Christ, no man can pluck them out of his hand (John 10:28-29). Death could not do it either (Romans 8:38-39).

The souls of believers are at their death made perfect in holiness, and do immediately pass into glory; and their bodies, being still united to Christ, do rest in their graves till the resurrection.

Westminster Shorter Catechism Q&A 37

If they are his, they are with him now, and every sin they ever fought is gone.

If you do not know where your child stood with God, that is too heavy to carry alone tonight. You are not asked to settle where they are. Leave them with the Judge of all the earth, who will do right (Genesis 18:25), and bring your own soul to Christ. Read When You Fear They Did Not Know Christ, and tell your pastor this week. If your son or daughter took their own life, that sorrow has its own place here.

If someone else took your child’s life, by carelessness or by violence, your anger at that wrong is not sin in itself. Scripture says, Be ye angry, and sin not (Ephesians 4:26). God says, Vengeance is mine, and he promises to repay (Romans 12:19). He gave the ruler the sword for this very wrong (Romans 13:4), so pressing for justice in the courts is not revenge.

For every grieving parent

Many parents replay every moment, what they ate or lifted, the last night, the keys they handed over, the sign they missed.

Like as a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them that fear him. For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.

Psalm 103:13-14 (KJV)

You could not see what only God could see.

Moses told God’s people that underneath are the everlasting arms (Deuteronomy 33:27). Those arms are a picture, since God is a Spirit, and the care they picture is real. But the Son of God took a real body, with real arms. He took up little children in those arms and blessed them. Then he died for sinners, and on the third day he rose.

Now he says he was dead and is alive for evermore, and holds the keys of death (Revelation 1:18). Keys picture his authority over death, and that authority is real. He will lose none of those the Father has given him, and he will raise them up at the last day (John 6:39).

Before you sleep, do these three things. If your child died long ago and the grief has not let go, that is not a failure of faith, and these are for you too.

1. Pour out your heart to God. He is a refuge for us (Psalm 62:8). Tell him all of it tonight. You do not need fine words.
2. Call your pastor or an elder. Even at night. Let him help you with a burial or a service if you want one, even for a baby lost early. You may give your baby a name. If you have no church, call a Christian friend, and read Do Not Carry It Alone below.
3. Eat a little, and rest. Lie down even if sleep will not come. If you are married, be patient with each other. Husbands and wives grieve differently, and fathers often grieve later and more quietly. If you have other children, keep them close. They grieve too. If your body is healing from this loss, rest, and call your doctor if the bleeding is heavy or you have a fever.

If you find yourself wanting to follow your child, call 988 or text 988 tonight, and tell someone near you.

When you are ready to search your heart

Not tonight. This is not the replaying of every moment, and it is not a search for some sin behind your child’s death. God has not told you why, and no one may guess (Deuteronomy 29:29). Your grief is not sin. But this sorrow can open doors. Ask God to search you (Psalm 139:23).

Anger at God may come. Tell him, but do not charge him with wrong. Job lost all his children, and he did not charge God foolishly (Job 1:22). Grief can turn a husband and wife against each other, so that each blames the other or shuts the other out. If anyone at home hurt your child or is hurting you, get safe first. Otherwise, turn toward each other, forgiving one another (Ephesians 4:32). Other people’s children may be painful to see. That ache is not sin, but it can grow into envy and bitterness. If you have other children, sorrow can make it hard to give them what they need. Let others help you care for them. If a heaviness will not lift, that may be an illness and not a sin. See a doctor, and read When Your Own Mind Has Gone Dark.

If you find any of this in you, do not despair. Christ died for sins like these, and rose again, and he turns away no one who comes to him. Confess it, and he is faithful and just to forgive (1 John 1:9).

If you do not know Christ, or are not sure you do, his own question is below.

The church

Do Not Carry It Alone

This page can hand you Scripture. It cannot sit with you, pray over you, or bring you a meal. Christ gave those things to his church.

Call your pastor or an elder today. If one of them is the one hurting you, call another pastor you trust. You do not have to explain it well. Say that something has happened and ask him to pray with you. If the need is money or meals or rides, tell your deacons. That is what the office is for. Peter told the elders, Feed the flock of God which is among you, taking the oversight thereof (1 Peter 5:2). Letting them do it is not a burden you lay on them. It is the work Christ gave them. When an elder comes, ask when he will come again.

Go to worship on the Lord’s Day, even if you only sit and weep. Sit under the Word, and pray with God’s people. If you are a communing member, come to the Lord’s Table. It was given for the relief of weak and doubting Christians too (Larger Catechism Q&A 172). The Word, the sacraments, and prayer are the means by which Christ gives his people the benefits of his redemption (Shorter Catechism Q&A 88), and by them weak faith is strengthened (Westminster Confession 14.1). Yours may be weak this week. Where you can, put off large decisions for a while, and do not make any of them alone. Getting safe is never a decision to put off.

If you have no church, find a faithful one near you and go this Sunday. Look for one where Christ is preached from the whole Bible, where baptism and the Lord’s Supper are given as he commanded, and where elders watch over the flock. Then ask how to join it. Christ never meant for one of his sheep to walk alone. If you do not know where to start, write to me. I keep this site. I am not a pastor, and I cannot always answer quickly. In an emergency, do not wait on me. Call 911, or call 988 or text 988. But I will pray for you, and I will help you look for a church.

Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (KJV)

One day you may sit with someone else in this same dark. The comfort God gives you now is meant to be passed on.

If you do not know him

Believest Thou This

Maybe you came here because of a death, a diagnosis, a broken home, or a lost job, and you are not a Christian. The promises here belong to those who belong to Christ. They can be yours.

Jesus spoke these words to a grieving woman on the road outside her village, four days after her brother was buried (John 11:17, 20). Then he asked her a question. He asks you the same one.

Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this?

John 11:25-26 (KJV)

If you came here grieving someone, this is not a word about them. Leave them with God. It is a word about you. Death came into the world through sin, and one day you will stand before God yourself (Romans 5:12, Hebrews 9:27).

But Christ died in the place of sinners and bore the punishment their sins deserved, and on the third day he rose again. Everyone who turns from sin and trusts him alone is forgiven and counted righteous for his sake (Shorter Catechism Q&A 33, 87). He said that whoever comes to him he will in no wise cast out (John 6:37). Call on him tonight, in your own words. Whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved (Romans 10:13). Do not wait until the grief lifts. Come as you are, with the grief.

The gospel page sets it out in full. Read it slowly.