When Someone You Love Has Died

When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled, And said, Where have ye laid him? They said unto him, Lord, come and see. Jesus wept.

John 11:33-35 (KJV)

Jesus knew he was about to call Lazarus out of the grave. He wept anyway. He did not hurry Mary past her grief, and he will not hurry you past yours. Your tears are not a failure of faith. They are love, going on after the one you love has gone.

If they took their own life, that grief has its own place here. If you fear they did not know Christ, there is a word for you below.

Paul does not tell Christians not to grieve. He tells them not to grieve as those who have no hope.

But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him.

1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 (KJV)

Scripture calls the death of a believer sleep. That is a picture, and Jesus explained it himself. When the disciples thought Lazarus was only resting, he told them plainly that Lazarus was dead (John 11:11-14). The picture belongs to the body, which lies down for a while and will wake. The soul neither dies nor sleeps (Westminster Confession 32.1).

The souls of believers are at their death made perfect in holiness, and do immediately pass into glory; and their bodies, being still united to Christ, do rest in their graves till the resurrection.

Westminster Shorter Catechism Q&A 37

If the one you love belonged to Christ, they are with him now, and free of every sin they ever fought. Paul calls being with Christ far better (Philippians 1:23). In the next breath he says that to stay is more needful, because others still need him (1:24). Others still need you too, and God has not finished with your life. If you find yourself wanting to follow them, call 988 or text 988 tonight, and tell someone near you.

And if they are his, the grave will not keep them. The one who wept at the tomb of Lazarus went into a tomb of his own, and on the third day he left it empty.

But now is Christ risen from the dead, and become the firstfruits of them that slept.

1 Corinthians 15:20 (KJV)

The firstfruits were the first sheaves of the harvest, brought to God as a pledge that the rest of the field was coming in. Christ’s empty tomb is that pledge. On the last day God will wipe away all tears from the eyes of his people, and there will be no more death (Isaiah 25:8, Revelation 21:3-4). That is a picture of a father drying a child’s face, and what it pictures is real.

If you fear they did not know Christ, that grief is real, and Scripture makes room for it. Jesus wept over a city that would not come to him (Luke 19:41). You are not asked to settle where they are. Leave them with the Judge of all the earth, who will do right (Genesis 18:25), and bring your own soul to Christ. When You Fear They Did Not Know Christ says more.

Before you sleep, do these three things. If your loss was long ago and the grief has not let go, that is not a failure of faith, and these are for you too.

1. Tell the Lord the truth. You do not need fine words. Martha and Mary each told Jesus that if he had been there, their brother would not have died. He did not rebuke either of them (John 11:21, 32).
2. Call your pastor or an elder. Even at night. If you have no church, call a Christian friend, and read Do Not Carry It Alone below. If you are young, tell your mom or dad, or a teacher or counselor at school.
3. Let someone sit with you. Job’s friends did their best work when they sat with him and said nothing (Job 2:13). Eat a little, and lie down even if sleep will not come.

When you are ready to search your heart

Not tonight. This is not a search for some sin behind their death. God has not told you why, and no one may guess (Deuteronomy 29:29). Your grief is not sin. Jesus wept. But other things can creep in beside grief, and it is a mercy to see them early. Pray, Search me, O God, and know my heart (Psalm 139:23).

You may pour out all your sorrow to God, and even ask him why. Jesus did, on the cross. But do not accuse him. Job lost his children in one day, and in all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly (Job 1:22). Watch for bitterness toward family or friends (Ephesians 4:31). Watch for drink or drugs to dull the nights. Do not stay away from worship for long. And do not let love for the one you lost take the place of God. Loving them is not the sin. Living for them in place of him would be.

If you find any of this in you, do not despair. Thomas was not with the others the first time the risen Jesus came. Eight days later he was back with them, and Jesus came again and said, Peace be unto you (John 20:24-26). Christ died for sins like these, and rose again, and he turns away no one who comes to him. Confess it, and he is faithful and just to forgive (1 John 1:9).

If you do not know Christ, or are not sure you do, his own question is below.

The church

Do Not Carry It Alone

This page can hand you Scripture. It cannot sit with you, pray over you, or bring you a meal. Christ gave those things to his church.

Call your pastor or an elder today. If one of them is the one hurting you, call another pastor you trust. You do not have to explain it well. Say that something has happened and ask him to pray with you. If the need is money or meals or rides, tell your deacons. That is what the office is for. Peter told the elders, Feed the flock of God which is among you, taking the oversight thereof (1 Peter 5:2). Letting them do it is not a burden you lay on them. It is the work Christ gave them. When an elder comes, ask when he will come again.

Go to worship on the Lord’s Day, even if you only sit and weep. Sit under the Word, and pray with God’s people. If you are a communing member, come to the Lord’s Table. It was given for the relief of weak and doubting Christians too (Larger Catechism Q&A 172). The Word, the sacraments, and prayer are the means by which Christ gives his people the benefits of his redemption (Shorter Catechism Q&A 88), and by them weak faith is strengthened (Westminster Confession 14.1). Yours may be weak this week. Where you can, put off large decisions for a while, and do not make any of them alone. Getting safe is never a decision to put off.

If you have no church, find a faithful one near you and go this Sunday. Look for one where Christ is preached from the whole Bible, where baptism and the Lord’s Supper are given as he commanded, and where elders watch over the flock. Then ask how to join it. Christ never meant for one of his sheep to walk alone. If you do not know where to start, write to me. I keep this site. I am not a pastor, and I cannot always answer quickly. In an emergency, do not wait on me. Call 911, or call 988 or text 988. But I will pray for you, and I will help you look for a church.

Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (KJV)

One day you may sit with someone else in this same dark. The comfort God gives you now is meant to be passed on.

If you do not know him

Believest Thou This

Maybe you came here because of a death, a diagnosis, a broken home, or a lost job, and you are not a Christian. The promises here belong to those who belong to Christ. They can be yours.

Jesus spoke these words to a grieving woman on the road outside her village, four days after her brother was buried (John 11:17, 20). Then he asked her a question. He asks you the same one.

Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this?

John 11:25-26 (KJV)

If you came here grieving someone, this is not a word about them. Leave them with God. It is a word about you. Death came into the world through sin, and one day you will stand before God yourself (Romans 5:12, Hebrews 9:27).

But Christ died in the place of sinners and bore the punishment their sins deserved, and on the third day he rose again. Everyone who turns from sin and trusts him alone is forgiven and counted righteous for his sake (Shorter Catechism Q&A 33, 87). He said that whoever comes to him he will in no wise cast out (John 6:37). Call on him tonight, in your own words. Whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved (Romans 10:13). Do not wait until the grief lifts. Come as you are, with the grief.

The gospel page sets it out in full. Read it slowly.