About 15 minutes to read
This page sets out what God has said about marriage, from the garden to the marriage supper of the Lamb. If you are afraid of your husband or wife, read this first, and get safe. If your marriage is breaking, read When Your Marriage Is Breaking. If you are married to someone who does not believe, read the part for you. If you are single and wish you were not, there is a word for you. If the pain at home has you thinking of ending your life, call 988 or text 988 tonight.
God Made Marriage
Marriage was not invented by the church or the state. God made it in the garden, before there was any sin in the world.
And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
Genesis 2:18 (KJV)
This was the first thing in creation God called not good. Adam had no sin and walked with God, and still he should not be alone. So God made the woman from the man’s own side and brought her to him.
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
Genesis 2:24 (KJV)
This is history, not a fable. Jesus pointed back to it as something that happened. He which made them at the beginning made them male and female, he said. Then he added, What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder (Matthew 19:4-6). In a wedding it is God who joins.
Marriage is to be between one man and one woman: neither is it lawful for any man to have more than one wife, nor for any woman to have more than one husband at the same time.
Westminster Confession of Faith 24.1
Some patriarchs and kings took more than one wife, and the grief in the homes of Jacob and David shows what came of it. Of such things Jesus said, from the beginning it was not so (Matthew 19:8). One man and one woman, for as long as they both live, is God’s design. For the same reason, the union of two men or two women is not a marriage, whatever a law may call it. That is taken up with care in What the Bible Says About Homosexuality and Gender.
Why God Gave It
Marriage was ordained for the mutual help of husband and wife; for the increase of mankind with a legitimate issue, and of the Church with an holy seed; and for preventing of uncleanness.
Westminster Confession of Faith 24.2
The first purpose is help. A help meet is a helper fit for him. Help is no small word, for God uses it of himself. He is our help and our shield (Psalm 33:20). The second purpose is children, raised as a godly seed for God (Malachi 2:15). The third is purity. To avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband (1 Corinthians 7:2). God calls the marriage bed undefiled (Hebrews 13:4), and there is more on it in What the Bible Says About Sex.
A Picture of Christ and the Church
Paul quotes Genesis 2 to husbands and wives, and then says something astonishing.
For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
Ephesians 5:31-32 (KJV)
A mystery in Scripture is something long hidden and now made known. God made marriage to point past itself. Christ is the Bridegroom, and his people are his bride (John 3:29, 2 Corinthians 11:2). A husband and wife made one flesh are a living picture of Christ and his church made one.
Bride and Bridegroom are figures. But what the picture shows is real. The Larger Catechism says believers are spiritually and mystically, yet really and inseparably, joined to Christ as their head and husband (WLC 66). That union is closer and more lasting than any husband’s with his wife. And a marriage on earth is not less real for being a picture. It is a true marriage that also preaches.
Look at what this Bridegroom did. Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it (Ephesians 5:25). He did not find a lovely bride. He found one stained with sin, and he bore the wrath of God in her place on the cross. On the third day he rose, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle (Ephesians 5:27). If you have never come to him, read The Gospel, and come as you are.
Marriage Is for This Age
Because marriage is a picture, it will not last forever. In the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven (Matthew 22:30). Love does not end there. Marriage ends, because what it pointed to will have come.
Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to him: for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready.
Revelation 19:7 (KJV)
Blessed are they which are called unto the marriage supper of the Lamb (Revelation 19:9). The supper is a figure, and the joy it pictures is real. Christ will come for his people, and they will be with him forever. Every Christian wedding is a small rehearsal for that day. So no Christian should make marriage his god, and no single believer has missed the one marriage that lasts.
The Husband’s Love and the Wife’s Submission
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
Ephesians 5:22-24 (KJV)
Many readers stop at the word submit, but Paul goes straight on. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it (Ephesians 5:25). The wife is to follow as the church follows Christ. The husband is to love as Christ loved, all the way to a cross. Both bear God’s image (Genesis 1:27), and both are heirs together of the grace of life (1 Peter 3:7). They differ in calling, not in worth.
What Headship Is
A husband’s headship is a charge to serve, not a right to be served. Jesus said the princes of the Gentiles exercise dominion over others, but it shall not be so among you (Matthew 20:25-26). He came not to be ministered unto, but to minister (Matthew 20:28). That is a husband’s pattern. He leads his home in the worship of God (see How to Lead Family Worship). He provides for his house (1 Timothy 5:8). He nourishes and cherishes his wife as his own flesh (Ephesians 5:28-29), and honors her, that his prayers be not hindered (1 Peter 3:7). And he is not bitter against her (Colossians 3:19).
Headship is never tyranny. It gives no right to threaten, control, isolate, or force a wife in any way. A man who does those things is not using too much headship. He is breaking the very command that gives it, and God will judge it. If your husband or wife hits you, threatens you, forces you, or makes you afraid, you may leave to be safe, and you should. Read If someone is hurting you.
What Submission Is
A wife’s submission is a willing yielding to her own husband’s lead, given as unto the Lord. Peter says her true beauty is a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price (1 Peter 3:4). Meek does not mean weak. It means strength at rest in God.
Submission does not mean every woman under every man. Paul says your own husbands. It never means joining a husband in sin. In every thing means everything that is his to direct, never disobeying God. Sapphira went along with her husband’s lie, and she was judged with him (Acts 5:1-10). We ought to obey God rather than men (Acts 5:29). Nor does it mean staying under violence. A wife who flees danger has not stopped honoring her husband. She has refused to let him sin against her.
Marrying Only in the Lord
It is lawful for all sorts of people to marry who are able with judgment to give their consent. Yet it is the duty of Christians to marry only in the Lord.
Westminster Confession of Faith 24.3
A widow, Paul says, is free to marry whom she will, only in the Lord (1 Corinthians 7:39). And to every believer, Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14). A yoke joins two animals to pull one plow, and marriage is the closest yoke there is. Do not begin a courtship with someone who does not love Christ, hoping they will come around. Look for faith that shows in a life, not only in words.
If You Are Married to an Unbeliever
Perhaps you came to Christ after you were married. Perhaps you married an unbeliever when you knew better, and have repented of it. Either way, your marriage is a true marriage, and God’s word to you is to stay. If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away, and the same is said to the wife (1 Corinthians 7:12-13). The unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife (1 Corinthians 7:14). Sanctified here means set apart, not saved. Your children are holy, set apart to God in his covenant. But your spouse still needs saving. What knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband (1 Corinthians 7:16)? So keep praying.
Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
1 Peter 3:1-2 (KJV)
Conversation means way of life. Peter does not tell such wives to preach at their husbands. He tells them to live a holy life in front of them, and that holds for a believing husband too. If your unbelieving spouse leaves and will not come back, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases (1 Corinthians 7:15). If you feel alone in your own home, read If You Are Married and Alone.
Divorce and Remarriage
God says he hateth putting away, and in the same breath he rebukes men who dealt treacherously with the wife of their youth (Malachi 2:14-16). His anger falls on the one who breaks the covenant.
And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.
Matthew 19:9 (KJV)
The Confession warns that the corruption of man is apt to study arguments for putting a marriage asunder. That means quick to hunt for reasons, and every unhappy heart can find them. So it names only two causes that can dissolve the bond. One is adultery, which Jesus names here. The other is willful desertion that neither the church nor the government can remedy (WCF 24.6), which Paul speaks of in 1 Corinthians 7:15. After a divorce for adultery, the innocent party may marry another, as if the offending party were dead (WCF 24.5).
Even where a ground exists, divorce is allowed, not commanded. Many who were wronged have forgiven a spouse who truly repented, and rebuilt. Safety comes before every other step. If you are in danger, leave, call the police, and seek a protective order if you need one. That needs no one’s permission, and it is never sin. Divorce itself is another matter. No one is to judge his own case, and the Confession calls for a public and orderly course, so go to your elders before you file. Faithful Reformed teachers differ on how far desertion reaches. Some limit it to a spouse who walks out and stays gone. Others count one who drives the other out by cruelty as a deserter too.
If you divorced or remarried wrongly in the past, confess it as sin. Christ’s blood covers it too. Do not try to undo it by breaking the marriage you are in now.
If your own marriage is coming apart, do not stop here. Read What God has said about divorce, written for the hurting. If you are the one who broke faith, read the part for you on that page.
Singleness as a Gift and a Calling
The apostle Paul was not married, and neither was the Lord Jesus. No one may call a single life a half life.
For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that. I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I.
1 Corinthians 7:7-8 (KJV)
Singleness is a gift because it frees a believer for the Lord. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord (1 Corinthians 7:32). A single believer may give to the church and the gospel strength that a married man rightly gives his family. Paul says he writes this not to cast a snare upon you, but that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction (1 Corinthians 7:35).
Both callings are good. The Larger Catechism warns against entangling vows of single life, and also against undue delay of marriage (WLC 139). Do not put marriage off for years out of fear, or to chase comfort or a career.
If you long to marry and God has not given it, the longing is not sin. God put that desire in Adam before the fall. Bring it to him honestly. He has not forgotten you, and he is no less your Father because you have no husband or wife. To eunuchs who feared they were a dry tree, cut off from family, he promised a place and a name better than of sons and of daughters (Isaiah 56:5). Read If You Are Single.
Living Together Before Marriage
Many couples now share a home and a bed before they marry. Some call it a sensible test, and some say they are married in their hearts.
But marriage is a covenant made before God and witnesses, not a feeling in two hearts. Scripture calls a wife the wife of thy covenant (Malachi 2:14). To live as husband and wife without that covenant is fornication, and God says plainly, Flee fornication (1 Corinthians 6:18). A covenant is a promise made before you know how it will go. A trial run teaches two people to keep a way out.
If this is you, Jesus has not turned his face from you. He met a woman at a well and offered her living water. Then he named her five husbands and told her plainly, he whom thou now hast is not thy husband (John 4:10, 18). He told her the truth because he had come to save her. Confess it to God. Then either marry, soon and properly, or live apart now and keep yourselves pure until you do. A pastor will help you do either one.
What to Do This Week
For Husbands
- Lead your home in worship. Start tonight with a chapter of Scripture, a psalm, and prayer.
- Ask your wife how she is, and listen. Dwell with her according to knowledge (1 Peter 3:7).
- Repent of harshness. Confess bitterness or coldness to God and to her by name, without excuses.
- Lay something down for her. Your time, your preference, your rest. Christ laid down far more for you.
For Wives
- Honor your husband with your words. Speak well of him to others, and speak to him with the law of kindness (Proverbs 31:26).
- Follow his lead gladly where it is right to follow, and tell him gently and plainly where you cannot.
- Pray for him by name every day. If he does not know Christ, pray for that above all.
- If you are afraid of him, none of this means staying in danger. Get safe first.
For Those Preparing to Marry
- Make sure you are both in the Lord, in life and not only in name. Ask people who know you both.
- Ask your pastor for counsel before the wedding. Talk through faith, money, children, and how you will settle a quarrel.
- Keep yourselves pure until the wedding night. If you have already fallen, confess it and begin again today.
- Learn what you are promising. Read Ephesians 5:22-33 together, and chapter 24 of the Confession, before you make your vows.
Married or single, set your hope on the Bridegroom. He is faithful, and he will come for his bride.