What the Bible Says About Spanking and Discipline

This page is for parents who want to know what God says about correcting their children, and about spanking in particular. It covers why God commands discipline, what Proverbs means by the rod, the limits Scripture sets, and the law of the land, and it ends with what to do this week.

If you are young and someone at home hits you so that it injures you, or makes you afraid for your safety, that is not the discipline this page describes. Read If a child is being hurt now, and tell a teacher or another adult you trust today. If it feels like more than you can bear, call 988 or text 988. If you are a parent and you fear you have gone too far, go straight to When Correction Becomes Abuse.

Why God Commands Parents to Discipline

God does not leave children to raise themselves. He places them under a father and a mother, and he tells those parents to correct them. That is not because God is harsh. It is because he is a Father himself, and he loves.

My son, despise not the chastening of the Lord; neither be weary of his correction: For whom the Lord loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.

Proverbs 3:11-12 (KJV)

The Lord’s correction is a mark of his delight. A father who never corrects is not kind. He has stopped minding where his child is going. So Proverbs says it bluntly. He that spareth his rod hateth his son, but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes (Proverbs 13:24). Betimes means early, while the child is young and the habit is still soft.

Hebrews quotes Proverbs 3 to suffering Christians and reasons from the home to heaven. We gave our earthly fathers reverence when they corrected us, so we should much rather be in subjection unto the Father of spirits, and live (Hebrews 12:9).

For they verily for a few days chastened us after their own pleasure; but he for our profit, that we might be partakers of his holiness. Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.

Hebrews 12:10-11 (KJV)

Earthly fathers corrected after their own pleasure, as seemed best to them, and did not always get it right. God never errs. Hold the rod with that humility. You are a father under the Father, and you will give account to him for how you used the authority he lent you.

The Larger Catechism sums up what God requires of everyone set over others, parents first of all.

to love, pray for, and bless their inferiors; to instruct, counsel, and admonish them; countenancing, commending, and rewarding such as do well; and discountenancing, reproving, and chastising such as do ill

Westminster Larger Catechism Q&A 129

Love comes first in that list, and chastising comes near the end. That is the right order. Correction grows out of love, and it is only one part of it.

The Rod in Proverbs

Proverbs speaks of the rod in the correcting of a child in 13:24, 22:15, 23:13-14, and 29:15, and in 29:17 it names the fruit. Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest. Many honest parents struggle to know how much of this to read literally. The question deserves a careful answer.

Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.

Proverbs 22:15 (KJV)

The rod was real

The rod in these verses was a real stick, used to strike. Proverbs lays the same rod on the back of a fool (Proverbs 10:13, 26:3), and the law of Moses speaks of a master striking a servant with one (Exodus 21:20). It is not merely a figure of speech. These proverbs teach that measured physical correction of a child is a right and loving thing. You may not read the rod out of them.

The rod also stands for more than itself. The rod and reproof give wisdom (Proverbs 29:15), blows and words together. Foolishness here is not childishness. It is a heart bent on its own way against God and parents. The rod pictures the whole work of correcting that bent, and what it pictures is real. But the picture never empties out the thing. The stick was real, and so is the folly.

A proverb, not a rulebook

Proverbs are sayings of wisdom. They teach a principle and its normal means, and they trust the reader to apply them with judgment. Answer not a fool according to his folly, the book says, and in the next verse, Answer a fool according to his folly (Proverbs 26:4-5). Both are true, and wisdom knows which fits the hour.

So the rod proverbs do not tell you what age to begin or end, what instrument to use, or how many strokes. Anyone who hands you a fixed method and calls it God’s is saying more than God said. Nor are the promises machines. Only the Spirit gives a new heart. A child who has been made to behave is not yet a child who has been born again.

He shall not die

Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.

Proverbs 23:13-14 (KJV)

In the English of 1611, beat simply means strike, not what we now call a beating. The verse speaks to a parent who holds back out of soft fear, as though a measured stroke would ruin the child. It will not, Solomon says. He is not drawing the line at death, as if anything short of it were allowed. God’s law limited even a guilty man’s punishment to forty stripes, lest thy brother should seem vile unto thee (Deuteronomy 25:3). A master who struck out his servant’s eye or tooth had to set him free (Exodus 21:26-27). If God’s law set bounds for the correction of a criminal and a servant, it sets them far more for a little child.

Hell in verse 14 is the Hebrew word for the grave and the world of the dead. Folly left alone leads down to death, and many Reformed teachers add, to eternal ruin. Correction is one of God’s means to turn a child from that road. A spanking does not save a soul. Only Christ saves.

Where faithful parents differ

Godly Reformed parents who believe all of this still differ in practice. Some use a small rod or a wooden spoon, so that the hand stays for comfort, and others use only an open hand. Some spank often while children are very small. Others keep it for open defiance and use it rarely, or stop by six or seven. Some, for a particular child or under a promise they have made, hardly use it at all. These are matters of wisdom, and no parent should bind another’s conscience where Scripture has not. What none may do is call the rod cruel, when God calls it love, or make it the whole of raising a child, when God never does.

Discipline Is More Than Spanking

And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

Ephesians 6:4 (KJV)

Nurture is training, and admonition is warning with words. Most discipline in a godly home happens with no rod in sight.

1. Teaching. Talk of God’s ways when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way (Deuteronomy 6:7). Gather them for family worship and teach them the catechism.
2. Warning. Tell the child plainly what is wrong and what will follow, before it happens. A rule he never knew is a trap, not a rule.
3. Consequences. A lost privilege, an early bed, paying for what was broken. These often teach better than a smack, and as a child grows they take its place.
4. Example. Children learn more from how you handle your own sin than from how you handle theirs. When you wrong them, ask their forgiveness.
5. Praise. The Catechism counts commending such as do well as part of the duty. Catch your children doing right, and tell them.

The Guardrails Scripture Sets

The same catechism that requires parents to chastise also names the sins of those in authority.

correcting them unduly; careless exposing, or leaving them to wrong, temptation, and danger; provoking them to wrath

Westminster Larger Catechism Q&A 130

A parent can sin by never correcting, and a parent can sin by correcting wrongly.

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.

James 1:19-20 (KJV)

1. Never in anger. If you are angry, wait. Send the child to his room and go pray. A wise man keepeth it in till afterwards (Proverbs 29:11). If you cannot become calm, do not spank today. A stroke in temper only teaches that the bigger person wins.
2. Never to injure. Correction should sting for a moment and then be over. If it leaves a bruise, a welt, or any mark at all, it has gone too far, whatever you meant.
3. Never on the face or the head. Only on the seat. Never shake a child, never use a fist, and never strike anywhere that can be hurt.
4. Mostly for young children. It fits the years before a child can be fully reasoned with. As he grows, words and consequences take over, and a spanked teenager is usually shamed rather than corrected. Children differ too. A tender child may need only a word. God knoweth our frame (Psalm 103:14), and you should know your child’s.
5. Private, not humiliating. Never in front of brothers, sisters, or friends, and never with mockery. God would not let even a criminal be made vile in his brother’s eyes (Deuteronomy 25:3).
6. For sin, not for childishness. Spilled milk is not rebellion, and a tired toddler is not a fool. It is the glory of a man to pass over a transgression (Proverbs 19:11). Keep the rod for willful defiance, and pass over much else.
7. Explained before, and restored after. Tell the child calmly what he did and why it is wrong. Afterward, hold him, pray with him, and tell him you love him. Then it is finished, and you do not bring it up again.

Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged (Colossians 3:21). A child corrected too often, too hard, or without warmth does not grow wise. He loses heart. If your children flinch when you come near, stop and examine yourself before God.

When Correction Becomes Abuse

Abuse is not discipline. Striking in rage, leaving bruises, hitting the face or head, shaking a baby, choking, kicking, using a belt or a cord, threatening, terrifying, or shaming a child is a sin against the sixth commandment, which forbids striking and wounding (Larger Catechism Q&A 136). It is also a crime. To call it biblical discipline is to put God’s name on what God forbids.

If you have crossed that line, here is what to do.

1. Stop today. Put the rod away, and do not take it up again unless your elders, knowing everything, agree. For some parents that will mean never.
2. Tell your pastor. Do not soften the story. If you are afraid you will hurt your child, leave the house now. If a child is in danger, call 911.
3. Let it be reported. Harm to a child must be reported to the police or to child protective services. Do not ask your child, or anyone in the family, to keep quiet. Accept what the law does, for pardon with God does not cancel earthly justice (Romans 13:4).
4. Get help for your anger. Read My anger frightens my family, and do what it says.

Christ turns away no one who comes to him in true repentance. But he that doeth truth cometh to the light (John 3:21), and hiding it is not repentance. If you see a child being hurt, in your church or anywhere else, do not wait for someone else to act. Read If a child is being hurt, and report it.

And if you were beaten as a child by someone who said God required it, that was not God’s discipline. He saw it, and he does not ask you to call it love. Like as a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them that fear him (Psalm 103:13).

What the Law of the Land Says

Let every soul be subject unto the higher powers (Romans 13:1). Know the law where you live.

In most of the United States a parent may still use reasonable physical correction, but what counts as reasonable differs by state, and a mark can bring an investigation. Foster parents are almost always forbidden by their license to spank a child placed with them, and many adoption agencies ask the same promise. If you gave it, keep it, as one that sweareth to his own hurt, and changeth not (Psalm 15:4). Many of these children have already been hurt by adults, and a stroke may teach them fear rather than wisdom.

A number of countries forbid all physical correction of children, Sweden and Scotland among them. If you live under such a law, obey it. Scripture commends the rod as a normal means, but it does not make that one means the only way to keep God’s command to correct your child. Use the others. Do not decide alone that the law may be broken. Take the question to your elders, for in the multitude of counsellors there is safety (Proverbs 11:14).

Discipline Under the Cross

But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

Isaiah 53:5 (KJV)

The chastisement of our peace is the punishment that made peace between sinners and God, and it fell on Christ. He bore it in full for his people, and he rose on the third day because the debt was paid. Christ bare our sins in his own body on the tree, by whose stripes ye were healed (1 Peter 2:24). If you do not yet know him, read The Gospel before anything else on this page.

So if you are in Christ, God’s discipline of you is never payment for your sin. That was paid once, on the cross. The Confession says God’s adopted children are

pitied, protected, provided for, and chastened by him as by a father; yet never cast off

Westminster Confession of Faith 12.1

A sinning believer may fall under God’s fatherly displeasure (Westminster Confession 11.5), but it is a Father’s displeasure, not a Judge’s sentence (Romans 8:1).

And so you correct your child as one who has been forgiven. You are not making him pay for his sin. No child can pay that debt, and only Christ could. You correct to turn him from folly and to point him to the Savior who bore the stripes. When it is over, tell him of Christ. A parent who remembers how much he has been forgiven will not correct with contempt. Be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you (Ephesians 4:32).

What to Do This Week

1. Settle your own heart first. Read Hebrews 12:5-11 and Psalm 103:8-14. Ask God to make you toward your children what he is toward you, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy.
2. Agree with your husband or wife. Write a few plain house rules and what follows when each is broken. Then, in a calm hour, explain them to the children.
3. Make a rule for yourself. If you are angry, you will not spank. You will wait, and pray, and come back when you are quiet.
4. Spend time with each child that has nothing to do with correction. Correction from a parent who delights in a child lands very differently.
5. Ask for counsel. Talk with your elders, and with an older couple whose grown children walk with the Lord.
6. If you have gone too far, stop and tell your pastor today. See When Correction Becomes Abuse.
7. Pray for their souls by name. Ask God to give each child a new heart. Your rod can restrain folly for a season, but only Christ can make a child his own.

The King your children most need to know is the one who shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in his bosom (Isaiah 40:11). Correct them in such a way that they can believe it.