About 3 minutes to read
Sometimes I wonder if any of it is true
The pull to walk away is not new. When many of his disciples turned back, Jesus put the question to the twelve.
Then said Jesus unto the twelve, Will ye also go away? Then Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life.
John 6:67-68 (KJV)
Peter answered with a question of his own. He knew the other voices on offer, and none of them had the words of eternal life. When doubt tells you to leave, ask it where it means to take you.
The arguments are real, and the answers to objections set them out for a day when your mind is clear. But you did not come to faith by argument alone. The Confession says in 1.5 that our full persuasion of the truth of Scripture comes from the inward work of the Holy Spirit, bearing witness by and with the Word in our hearts. So when doubt comes, go back to the Word, and pray as a desperate father once prayed.
And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.
Mark 9:24 (KJV)
He had just admitted he was not sure Jesus could help. Jesus healed his son, and he did not first make the man measure how much of him believed.
I have thoughts I would never choose
It may be a blasphemy that flashes through your mind in prayer, and the harder you push it away the louder it comes back. John Bunyan, who later wrote The Pilgrim’s Progress, went through a season when blasphemies against God and Christ poured through his mind until he feared he was lost. His book Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners tells the story. He came through it and preached Christ for the rest of his life.
A thought you hate is not a thought you hold. Satan once proposed to the Son of God himself that he fall down and worship the devil, and Christ was without sin (Matthew 4:9-10). Being tempted is not the same as sinning, and whatever in these thoughts rises from the old nature still in you is pardoned in Christ with the rest of your sin. Your horror at them shows where your heart is.
So do not argue with them or keep checking whether you meant them. Turn from them to Christ, the way you would walk past a man shouting in the street. And if they come in a loop you cannot break, do not keep them secret. See a doctor, and if you are young, tell your parents first. It is a known affliction, and there is real help for it.
While you wait
Do Not Fight This Alone
A page cannot sit with you or pray over you. Tell your pastor or an elder what you are afraid of. Keep sitting under the preached Word, and if you are a communing member, do not stay away from the Lord’s Table while your doubts are being answered. The Larger Catechism says it was appointed for the relief even of weak and doubting Christians (Q&A 172). Safe in His Keeping gives a few things to do while you wait for the fear to lift.
If you cannot tell whether you have ever come to Christ, do not wait to settle it. Come to him now. He promised to cast out none who come (John 6:37), and the gospel is set out for you in full.