How to Disagree With a Brother

Three Kinds of Difference

Christians will disagree until Christ comes. First know what kind of disagreement you are in, because Scripture does not treat them all alike.

1. Matters of the faith. Who God is, who Christ is, and how a sinner is saved. To deny these is heresy, and you must earnestly contend for the faith which was once delivered unto the saints (Jude 3). How to Spot Real Heresy sets out where that line runs.
2. Serious error. A brother is wrong on something Scripture teaches and that matters, such as baptism, worship, or the government of the church, but he does not deny the gospel. Hold your ground, and still own him as a brother in Christ. Some questions of interpretation, such as the thousand years of Revelation 20, sit near here, and faithful Reformed men have read them differently (see Prophecy).
3. Matters of conscience and wisdom. Things Scripture neither commands nor forbids. Here God has left believers free.

God alone is Lord of the conscience, and hath left it free from the doctrines and commandments of men which are in anything contrary to his Word, or beside it, in matters of faith or worship.

Westminster Confession of Faith 20.2

To tell which you are in, ask two questions. Does this touch the gospel itself? Does Scripture command or forbid this, either in plain words or by good and necessary consequence (WCF 1.6)? If not, it is a matter of liberty, like whether to drink wine (Alcohol). Some questions sit where faithful believers weigh Scripture’s principles differently, such as tattoos (Tattoos) or the spacing of children (Birth Control). Wisdom still applies, but leave room where God leaves room.

Treat your opinions as gospel and you become a Pharisee. Treat the gospel as opinion and you have nothing left to stand on.

Romans 14 in Practice

Rome was divided over food and holy days, and Paul told both sides how to treat each other.

Let not him that eateth despise him that eateth not; and let not him which eateth not judge him that eateth: for God hath received him.

Romans 14:3 (KJV)

The strong brother knows the thing is lawful, and his temptation is to despise the tender conscience. The weak brother thinks a lawful thing is sin, and his temptation is to judge the other as worldly. Paul forbids both. Each will answer to his own master (Romans 14:4, 10-12).

Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind (Romans 14:5). Settle it before God, and never push a brother to act against his conscience, for whatsoever is not of faith is sin (Romans 14:23).

And love sets limits on liberty. Destroy not him with thy meat, for whom Christ died (Romans 14:15). If your freedom would lead a brother to sin against his conscience, lay it down (1 Corinthians 8:9-13). Christ laid down far more for you. Yet bearing with a weaker brother is not the same as letting any man make his scruple a law for the church. Paul would not have believers bound by Touch not, taste not, handle not, after the commandments and doctrines of men (Colossians 2:20-22).

How to Disagree Well

1. Listen first. Be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath (James 1:19). State his view so fairly that he would agree with it.
2. Speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). Both halves. Truth without love is a club. Love without truth leaves him in his error.
3. Do not fight to win. Aim at his good and God’s truth.

And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient, In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth;

2 Timothy 2:24-25 (KJV)

1. Assume the best. Charity believeth all things, hopeth all things (1 Corinthians 13:7). The Larger Catechism counts misconstructing intentions, words, and actions as a sin against the ninth commandment (Q&A 145). Read him in the kindest way his words honestly bear.
2. Argue the point, not the man. No mocking, no labels, no guessing at motives. And remember you may be the one who is wrong (Matthew 7:3-5).

Two Quarrels in Scripture

Paul and Barnabas

Paul and Barnabas could not agree whether to take John Mark again, since he had left them before. And the contention was so sharp between them, that they departed asunder one from the other (Acts 15:39). It was a matter of wisdom, not doctrine, and Scripture does not say who was right.

But later Paul names Barnabas as a fellow worker (1 Corinthians 9:6) and tells the Colossians to receive Mark (Colossians 4:10). From prison near the end of his life he writes, Take Mark, and bring him with thee (2 Timothy 4:11). Good men may part ways. They must not stay enemies.

Paul and Peter

At Antioch Peter stopped eating with Gentile believers out of fear of men. Paul writes, I withstood him to the face, because he was to be blamed (Galatians 2:11). He did it before them all, because the wrong was public and they walked not uprightly according to the truth of the gospel (Galatians 2:14). If Gentiles had to live as Jews to sit at the table, then Christ alone was not enough.

When the gospel is at stake, love speaks up, even to an apostle. Yet this quarrel did not end in hatred. Peter later calls him our beloved brother Paul (2 Peter 3:15).

Online, in the Church, and Letting Go

Online

All of this applies online, and more so. You cannot see his face, and an audience tempts you to perform. In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin (Proverbs 10:19). Before you post, ask whether you would say it at his table, and whether you are writing to help him or to be seen winning. Often the faithful answer is a phone call, or silence.

In the Church

If a brother has wronged you, go to him alone first (Matthew 18:15). If you differ with your church’s teaching or a decision of the session, take it to your elders humbly and in person. They watch for your souls, as they that must give account (Hebrews 13:17). Do not take it to the parking lot or the group chat. Gathering a party is how churches split, and God hates him that soweth discord among brethren (Proverbs 6:19).

When to Let It Go

The discretion of a man deferreth his anger; and it is his glory to pass over a transgression.

Proverbs 19:11 (KJV)

Not every slight needs answering, and not every mistaken opinion needs correcting by you. Charity shall cover the multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8). Let small things go, and let them go for good. But do not let go of the gospel, or keep silent about sin that is harming someone. Take those to the elders.

This Week

1. Name one disagreement you are in. Decide honestly which kind it is.
2. If it is a matter of liberty, confess any despising or judging to God, and to your brother if he knows of it.
3. Pray for him by name, then write out his view in a few sentences he would agree with. If you cannot, you are not ready to answer it.
4. Walk away from one online argument.
5. If you have been talking behind his back, stop. Go to him, or to your elders.
6. If you parted from a brother like Paul and Barnabas, call or write. First be reconciled to thy brother (Matthew 5:24).
7. Remember how you were received. Receive ye one another, as Christ also received us to the glory of God (Romans 15:7). If you have never come to him, start with the gospel.